Most of us will remember a cringe-inducing ‘facts of life’ conversation around about the time we started secondary school. But, research suggests that if parents leave those tricky conversations until the early teen years, they’re likely to be actively blocked (‘Mum, don’t be so embarrassing!’).
A groundbreaking study at Trinity College Dublin (TCD) is now looking at ways to begin age-appropriate sex education with children aged between four and nine years-old. Researchers have been speaking to hundreds of parents all over Ireland, and the insights are fascinating. Dr Catherine Conlon tells us more…
So why is it important for parents to think about sex education for their four to nine year-olds?
“A study from UCD found that children, from around the early teenage years, tended to close down conversations when parents were trying to talk with them about sexual health and education. It’s very interesting that when parents are beginning to talk to children around the ages of 11-13 – at what they think is a crucial time – those children are actively closing down those conversations.
When you put that side-by-side with international studies, it seems that if parents haven’t laid the groundwork for open communication before those early teen years, it’s very difficult to initiate and create openness at that stage. Our research is looking at what can be done in the earlier years to lay the foundations for openness towards those discussions.”
It may seem like quite an early stage to broach the subject, do parents find it hard to figure out what kind of information their child is ready for, and when?
“That’s the absolute, central concern for parents. There’s consensus on this. As with all aspects of parenting – whether it’s to do with reading to a child, or diet, or explaining to children about bereavement – you’re not sure what you should and shouldn’t be saying, or what each child is able for.
Really, in terms of sex education, what we’re referring to is talk about the body and making children familiar with their body, with gender difference and the process of reproduction. Where a baby comes from, basically.
There are a few complicating issues though. Parents can tend to censor themselves. They might close down conversations because they’re afraid of giving their child information that they’re not sure other children in their class have. They’re afraid of breaching the norms. So parents have told us that when they’re thinking about how to answer a child’s question, they don’t just think about communicating directly with the child. They’re often thinking about the broader context of the school, the classroom, the playground. This is one thing that’s different to other aspects of parenting. Sometimes parents are worried about wider norms and not just what’s in the best interests of their child.”
What have parents of four to nine year-olds been telling you about their approaches to sex education?
“There’s a lot of nervousness on the part of parents and it’s not a surprise because how many of us have a good role model of positive sex education?
A lot of parents talked about their own experiences and it was amazing how many said their recollection is of a scene coming on in Dallas, or something, and their father saying: ‘Turn that muck off!’ and everybody knowing it [sex] was a no-go area. Pretty much all of the parents we met said that they wanted to do things differently. They want to create an open culture and they want their children to have positive attitudes to their bodies and to sexuality and sexualities. A lot of parents totally get the fact that it’s important not to presume heterosexuality.
It is still a particularly loaded topic, though, that parents feel is so crucial to get right. Parents have a lot of fears. There’s such a bombardment of sources from outside the parental domain coming at children. Parents feel the need to try to intercept those sources and protect their children from them.”
At home, is this an area that still tends to be left to the mammies?
“It does tend to be left to the mothers. Fathers told us they felt even less skilled. It isn’t the case that fathers have less interest or motivation. They’re very motivated and they’re very keen and have a particular value to bring to this. Mothers are more inclined to care about what other people say, because they’re the people at the school gate. Fathers are more likely to say, ‘Hold on, let’s hear what the child wants to know’. The fathers are not so implicated in the community of children and parents and they can temper the impact of not communicating with children openly, for fear of what others might think.
Today’s fathers are more motivated and much more involved in parenting than other generations and they have a lot to bring to it. I think it’s really important for us to harness and to recognise that and to give fathers credit.”
What kind of approaches to sex education work for parents of four to nine year-olds?
“I think with a lot of aspects of parenting nowadays, parents want to be guided by an expert perspective. Sometimes when a child asks a certain question, a parent might freeze and think: ‘Oh my God, I didn’t expect that kind of question for another five or ten years!’ Often then, the parent mightn’t feel happy with how they respond, but usually – and it’s very helpful – they’ll go back again and raise the issue with the child at the next opportunity, or when they themselves feels ready.
Trusted resources online or parenting books also play a role.
There’s some willingness among parents to talk to each other, but this does seem to be one aspect of parenting where people are a bit more reticent. They mightn’t feel quite comfortable raising the subject in the playground. However, in our focus groups, every single group of parents found the process of sitting down together and sharing information – about what children ask and how they respond – very useful.”
What about programmes in primary school like RSE?
“RSE (Relationships and Sexuality Education) is a really well thought-out programme, and there are a whole lot of resources there that already meet the needs of parents. The question is whether they’re being directed towards parents. When parents are directed to them, there’s the question of whether they take the resources seriously or realise the value of them. I know myself you get the note home from school saying that the RSE programme is running for the next six weeks and some years you’ll get a parent-child contact sheet and you may think, ‘that’s it’. But, in fact behind that sheet, on the website, there’s an incredibly useful information resource that meets practically all the needs that parents have.
The resources, developed by the Department of Education are there, but it’s the connection between the school and the parents that could be better in some respects.”
Where does your study go from here?
“We’re writing up the final analysis now and then developing the recommendations. We will do that in consultation with a whole lot of stakeholders. Our expectation, in terms a public seminar and public conference, is probably September. We really want to do things in a way that’s very parent-friendly, with summary reports that are eight-pages, not 85-pages. We’re also looking at web-based interactive resources as being a key way to contact parents.”
The study ‘Research with Parents’ is being conducted by Dr Catherine Conlon and Professor Virpi Timonen of the School of Social Work and Social Policy, TCD, and was commissioned by the HSE’s Crisis Pregnancy Programme.
