D is for dummy – at some point in the early days of what can seem like round the clock crying you may find yourself pacing the floors with a inconsolable baby and marvelling at all the great strides in technology mankind has made – we put man on the moon, developed vaccines against dangerous virus – yet we have not come up with a solid solution to this crying baby thing. You’re thinking; “if only there was some way to soothe her, just something I could give her to soothe her, oh wait, there is. A soother.” Depending on who you ask the dummy is either Satan incarnate, a prop used by the weak-minded parent or a perfectly reasonable aid for soothing your baby. The problem with the dummy is that the baby will quite possibly go to sleep happily sucking on the thing; then it falls out, and they wake up inconsolable because they cannot find the dummy. By which point you are awake anyway and compelled to go on the dummy retrieval mission. Warning: Some strong-willed babies will also reject the dummy just to spite you.
D is for double breast pump – why get a single breast pump when you can go full-bovine with the double pump? Pumping breast milk is one of the most time-consuming and annoying aspects of the postpartum period, so anything that speeds up the process is welcome. In fact, something we feel has been missing in the long-running ‘breastfeeding in public’ debate has been the question of when it will be acceptable to breast pump in public? Everyone gets all worked up about the feeding issue, but as all nursing mothers know when you gotta pump you gotta pump. Maybe we will launch a campaign for the cause. We could be the Rosa Parks of breast pumping: “I would like to be remembered as a person who wanted to be free… so other people would be also free.” Free to breast pump that is.
D is for deprivation – deprivation of the sleep variety. Deprivation of the privacy variety. Deprivation of the normality variety. The sleep deprivation can in no way be underestimated. Virtually everything you experience as a new parent is down to sleep deprivation. Hate your life? Crying because you love your baby so much? Can’t find the remote? Can’t summon the will to stand up? Pretty much all down to sleep deprivation.
D is also for deranged and delirious – this is how you will be feeling for quite a lot of the time in the early days, largely as a result of the aforementioned sleep deprivation. New parents could probably be diagnosed with a mild form of temporary insanity. So if you have ever wanted to commit a crime now is that time to do it, when your solicitor can probably build quite a solid defence on this.
