Being a woman sucks sometimes… le sigh.
We just have so much ‘maintenance’ going on – bras, hair appointments, waxing, plucking, threading, shaving, nail painting, HAVING THE PERFECT EYEBROWS (I’m failing at that one every day) and of course, dealing with periods.
Pads, tampons, moon cups, fat pants, back pain, tummy pain, sore boobs, headaches, spots, bad form, tiredness – there is so much to deal with when our time of the month comes around.
Because the first day is usually the worst – for me, anyway – I have decided that I can, and will, no longer be available to do the following on that particular day from now on;
1. Watch Britain’s Got Talent..
…or any other talent show for that matter, which uses emotionally-stirring music alongside really heartbreaking stories of personal struggle to keep you plastered to the edge of your seat to see if they get through to the next round. Bawling. For. Ireland.
2. Leave The House Without A Hot Water Bottle..
…strapped to my back, preferably. My back pain is a b*tch on the first day and nothing will solve it only to have a hot water bottle attached to me for the entire day. I should be allowed to incorporate a l’il cosy number into my work outfit, right?
3. Lift Anything, Including Children
Please may I have an assistant, just for this one day a month, to lift the kids and gently place them on me for snuggles and chats (I will be available in the ‘lying down’ position on the couch)? If they could also chat to Alan about his day when he comes home from work and maybe load up the dishwasher, that would be great too. Is it just me or does everyone seem to be extra needy when you’re not feeling quite yourself?
4. Explain Myself
I wish to remain very quiet and small on this day. I would like all mortgage lenders, sales people, parents, partner and children to just be able to take one look at me and say to themselves; “Back off, back off – do NOT ask her any questions, that woman is volatile” – so that I can feel sorry for myself in peace.
5. Care About The Housework
I just want to ‘Not Adult’ for the first day. I want to throw my sweet wrappers to the ground with abandon, I want to sulk if someone talks over my TV show and I want ALL the tea. But I won’t be making the tea so, you know, can you get someone to do that and bring it over to me please?
Oh and while they’re at it, could they refill my hot water bottle too?
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