Most of us would rather bury our head in the sand than bring up a tricky issue with a partner, friend or family member. But the Irish habit of sweeping things under the carpet can be damaging, to ourselves and our relationships.
Family therapist Anne McCormack has this advice on getting the hang of difficult conversations:
1. Don’t avoid the conversation
“Not having that difficult conversation has consequences,” Anne reminds us. “A problem that’s not discussed could become more serious and have a more serious impact, especially if there’s behaviour that’s considered risky.
“If there’s an issue between parents, something that mum wants to raise with the dad, but doesn’t, or vice versa – the next generation of the family could be soaking up the idea that it’s not okay to talk about difficult things. That can have consequences on a wider level and it can become a generational, longer-term thing.”
2. Remember: Your concern is valid
“It’s always good to bring something up if it’s causing worry,” Anne notes. “If something is causing concern, it’s valid and deserves to be expressed. There is a psychological impact of not speaking up because it means having to carry the weight of the dilemma.”
3. Focus on the relationship
Often, there’s a lot of fear involved in raising a tricky issue. This is Anne’s advice: “Think about how you want your relationship to be in the longer term. The more openly you communicate with another person, the stronger your relationship will be. Focus on that, rather than just the issue. That can be a good way to reduce the level of fear about having the difficult conversation. Focus more on the relationship and the kind of relationship role model you want to give your own children.”
4. Check your expectations
“Check your expectations before you start the conversation,” Anne advises. “Try to see it as a first step in a process to get the issue discussed. If you meet a friend for coffee and you raise a difficult issue, that person might just want to leave. One conversation is unlikely to deal with everything or to resolve an issue fully.”
5. Tune in to your emotions
We’ve all had that moment where we just can’t hold our tongue any longer. Anne’s advice is to avoid bottling up emotion to the point where we eventually explode: “Tune in to your emotions before the conversation. You need to mind yourself. You are only human. If you’re at the point of almost boiling over, it’s good to work yourself back down to a calmer place before you start the conversation. You need to be calm so that you can handle a situation where someone becomes defensive, or shows no acknowledgement at all of the impact of their behaviour.”
6. Find time and space
“Find a situation where you’re not likely to be interrupted,” Anne says. “For example, if you’re at home and it’s a busy time and the kids are in and out, that’s not ideal. The conversation might not last a long time or it might develop into a bigger discussion, either way, you need time and space. That’s one of the most important things.”
7. Be on the same level
“If the person that you want to talk to is sitting down, sit down beside them,” Anne advises. “Avoid a situation where you’re standing, looking down on someone. Remember that much of what you’re communicating is communicated through body language and your tone of voice. Be respectful of the other person and the fact that they might not want to get into this conversation, even if you do.”
8. Choose your words
“If you tell someone that you think they need help, that person could become quite defensive,” Anne notes. “They might turn around and say: ‘Well if you have an issue with that, that’s your problem so you go and get help’. Initially, it might be better to start by simply describing what you see in the person’s behaviour and explain that you are worried and would like to talk about it. The other person is less likely to withdraw or be hostile if you say that you just want to talk.”
9. Explain your concerns
“Take the time, afterwards, to explain why you brought the issue up,” Anne advises. “Explain that you weren’t trying to control the other person. Tell them that you raised the issue out of concern and because you care about them. Tell the person how you’re feeling. Ask the person how they feel about the fact you’ve raised the issue.”
10. Follow up
Because one difficult conversation is unlikely to resolve an issue fully, Anne’s advice is to find time in the future to follow up: “Once you’ve raised the issue, aim to arrange time to discuss the situation further. Explain how hard you found it to start the conversation. Reassure the other person that you don’t want to dictate to them or control them. Ask that you would both discuss the issue again when the person has had a chance to think about it. That could be at home or away from the house, but it’s important that you both try to find the time.”
11. Have supports in place
“If you feel in any way that there may be an element of risk in bringing up an issue, acknowledge that before the conversation,” Anne advises. “Look at what supports you have in terms of your own safety. If you know a conversation will be very difficult, think about what supports you might need afterwards for yourself, like a friend to phone or talk to.”
Anne McCormack is a Systemic Psychotherapist and works in private practice in North County Dublin. Anne is also a member of the executive of the FTAI. She can be contacted through her website.
The Family Therapy Association of Ireland (FTAI) is the accreditation body for family therapists in Ireland. All Family Therapists are accredited by the ICP, as well as the FTAI.
