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12th December 2015
09:00am GMT
1. This will be GRAAAAAAND
HA ha ha.
It was not 'grand' for quite some time, in fact even now two years later any time the thought that it's going 'grand' creeps into my head, things have a knack of IMMEDIATELY falling apart, it's a law of parenthood, I suppose.
2. I'll have the baby in a routine straight away
The baby will have ME in a routine straight away more like. This routine involves a lot of pacing the house in the middle of the night, going for three and a half hour walks in a desperate bid to get the baby to nap and frequently becoming trapped breastfeeding in public locations for hours at a time.
3. No soothers for MY baby
I don't even know what I had a against the soother. Nothing really, I just had stupid notions. Anyway about 6 weeks in I found myself wailing one day "If only there was something to sooth her... I just need to sooth her" And then it dawned on me... A Soother. Sadly by then it was too late, The Child had zero interest in the soother and no amount of coaxing helped.
4. Maternity leave will be like a really relaxing holiday for me and the baby to catch up with friends and go for coffees and nice walks
Eh no. Now any time a pregnant friend mentions how much they are looking forward to maternity leave I show them Apocalypse Now just to give them a teeny tiny dose of reality. "It's a jungle out there," I say, meaning the nursery presumably, in a vaguely mental, skittish-sounding voice. "Don't let them break your gentle spirit," I hiss – I guess I'm talking about the babies here. I recognise that it's possible I still haven't recovered from my own maternity leave....
5. Maternity leave will finally give me a chance to write that novel
Ba-HA. See point 4. For these people I show them Apocalypse Now and at the same time play them Underworld's Born Slippy at full volume while sitting on their laps engaged in long crying jags only stopping at brief intervals to go for a little sleep, before roaring to life again and resuming crying. Maybe I just had a particularly hectic baby...
6. I'm just going to be really laid back and relaxed about this whole baby thing
See points 4 and 5. I was not relaxed about ANYTHING.
7. I don't mind if the breastfeeding thing doesn't work out
Oh I minded BIG TIME, this was a big lie.... I really wanted to do it and when it didn't come easily I became wilder and more demented than a hormonal, sleep deprived velociraptor.
8. I'm going to do all the courses, baby swimming, baby massage, baby aromatherapy, baby yoga
A few minutes in to baby swimming class, I found myself reflecting on how much easier baby swimming class would be without the actual baby. We never went back, ditto every other class I attempted. Baby Yoga turned into Breastfeeding In Front of a Roomful of Strangers Class, as did baby massage, baby aromatherapy...
9. My child will ONLY eat organic, home-prepared, hand-reared food that is free from refined sugar
My child ate a cigarette once. Don't judge. It was an ACCIDENT.
10. I'll never co-sleep
HAhahahahhaha, By day TWO I was willing to do anything that even just had 'sleep' in the title. Even 'sleep walking' sounds pretty restful once you've been awake for long enough.
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