We finally get a night out, free from thoughts of winding and Milton and muslin cloths and then the questions start…
Why do you think I’m out here desperately trying to pull off a leopard print tube skirt and trainers? I’m trying to forget for a couple of hours that I am a human dairy, good only for pacing, jiggling a baby and being sicked on. Stop with the questions already!
10 things mothers out on the razz are sick of hearing:
1. “Where’s the baby?”
This one’s always delivered with a vague air of disappointment that it’s just you as if you actually might’ve actually brought the baby out to dinner. Once you have a baby, the baby becomes like the popular kid at school while you are like the ugly friend side kick: Basically you are Chewbacca, to the baby’s Han Solo.
2. “Who’s minding the child?”
Why does everyone ask this? Chill down. We’ve got it covered. What? Do you think he’s out in the car with the window cracked?
3. “Will you have to pump and dump?”
Don’t scar them by telling them that you intend to get a curry chips on the way home and pump and dump while eating and watching the Kardashians. It’s not a proud moment on Every. Single. Level.
4. “Should you be drinking?”
I am a grown-ass woman, so yes. People seem to consider drinking and parenting as in some way on par with drinking and driving, forgetting that when drinking and parenting we are usually relying on a partner or babysitter to take up the slack until we weather the wine. Calm down everyone I will not attempt to operate my child while under the influence, plus since becoming a mother I tend to be tiddly on two glasses of wine by around eight pm and home, sober and then hungover in time for the first wake up of the night around midnight.
5. To the man, you were idly flirting with at the bar, “can you BELIEVE she’s got two kids at home???”
NEVER ruin our flirting. It’s not that we actually want to flee our husbands and children, but it is nice to indulge in a little fantasy from time to time. It’s all pretty innocent, we just want to get dressed up and pretend that we are not people who routinely pick the noses of other tiny people.
6. “So what time’ll they have you up at in the morning?”
This one’s delivered with a sympathetic head-tilt, which does not make it any less annoying to be reminded that when you get home, you will collapse into bed and then be getting up a mere three hours later.
7. “I think I’m gonna be sick.”
You’re on your own there, love. I am fielding bodily fluids twenty-four-seven I will NOT be holding your hair or cleaning up your vom on my night out.
8. “You look great, remember nine months on, nine months off. There’s no rush.”
The whole ‘keep on truckin” message of this is pretty galling, especially considering we’d been under the impression that we’d lost the baby weight up until this point.
9. “I can’t stay out late because I’ve got gym and then brunch and then yogalates tomorrow.”
Look if you are stupid enough to say this to a person who has got a 6 am wake up call followed by approximately 5 hours of wild screaming and running around the park followed by 2 hour nap negotiations tomorrow, then you deserve whatever’s coming to you.
10. “I miss you, we never see you anymore…”
This one’s actually very sweet and a good reminder to keep our friendships alive and invigorated. We need these beautiful bitches, they will help us through the hangover and on into the next 18 years.
