Before our son arrived my husband and I spent months in a haze of antenatal optimism, talking about all the values that we were going to share with our future offspring.
We weren’t going to let the baby become a social media addict, or eat anything with added sugar, or lie around all day watching television (basically any of the things that I secretly love doing when my husband is away), and we certainly weren’t going to bend the principles by which we had lived our lives so far.
And then Daniel was born and, after four months of living in a fog made up of equal parts bliss and sleep-deprivation, I have recently emerged into an unfamiliar landscape. The standards in our house have slipped; not just the obvious standards like tidiness – the house looked like a tornado had ripped through it – but deeper personal standards that I thought were unshakable. I was prepared for some change, but this new Mummy me has really let herself go! Here are ten of the most worrying changes:
1. The one-minute rule In my days as a carefree single gal I ran a tight ship; I actually rather enjoyed doing the bathrooms and washing the floors. As life got busier I began to implement the ‘one-minute rule’. Basically, if a job is going to take less than a minute, don’t put it off, do it straightaway: put your shoes away, put that mug in the dishwasher, put the clean clothes in the wardrobe. It’s a pretty effective little mantra, but it seems that, in the face of sleep deprivation and the constant demands of a young baby, even a minute can be too big an ask.
2. Date nights Forget about a minute here and there, before this two became a three, my husband and I agreed that our once-weekly date nights would remain intact. The intention has not wavered, but thus far the best we have managed was a shared nap on Christmas day (thank you Granny and Granddad). The extent to which this dream eludes us was made painfully clear at the end of January when I turned 30 and had to cancel dinner out due to a particularly voracious case of cluster feeding.
3. Modesty I could have tried to take Daniel out that night, but once your baby starts to engage with the world around them, that little head pops off the breast to look around at the most embarrassing of moments. There was a time when I could count on one hand the number of people (doctors included) who had seen my breasts. That was four months ago. My husband now shares this privilege with waiters, managers, coffee shop patrons. Alas, the public shame doesn’t end there.
4. Not talking to myself (in public) If I’m being honest, I will admit to ‘thinking aloud’ from time to time and being at home alone with a tiny baby has done nothing to lessen this practice. In fact, a couple of weeks ago my husband took said baby out for a walk and I found myself cheerfully explaining to no one in particular that we were going to get out the special box of sprays and bleach to clean the bathroom. This was not an isolated incident. More often than I’m ready to acknowledge, I have caught myself delivering a sing-song narration of a shopping list to a sleeping baby, and anyone else who has the misfortune to be in the same aisle in the supermarket.
5. Healthy eating I’ve always been partial to a pizza, but generally speaking I try to eat like a grown-up. This was a challenge while I was pregnant and nauseous but as soon as I became a mother, three healthy, balanced meals a day became a thing of legend. Now my daily diet is less about health and more about one-handed, carb-heavy sustenance. Oh and tea, lots of lukewarm tea.
6. Skincare I need to drink more water. Between the constant, carefully-monitored heat in the house, and the dehydration induced by continual breastfeeding, my skin is engaged in some form of derma-desertification. Before my son arrived I worshipped at the altar of hydration and protected every scrap of exposed skin with repeat applications of factor 50+; cleansing and moisturising was my religion – nowadays I get my scrape of moisturiser on during the 3am feed (one reason to celebrate having a non-sleeper).
7. Personal hygiene As I’m confessing to declines elsewhere I might as well admit that I frequently tell myself that I can’t be the only mother who no longer gets to blow dry my hair, or wear make-up every day, or shower when I feel like it. I’m not… am I? Tell me I’m not. Thank goodness this coincides with the arrival of our water meter. I’m actually saving the planet as well as supporting a small human.
8. Environmental ethics The most noble of our values as a couple are probably the environmental ones: not wasting water; cutting down on packaging; not heating the whole house with dirty fossil fuels if we’re only using one room; and never EVER using the tumble dryer when you can use a clothes horse or a washing line. Enter baby: constant hand washing and bathing; nappies, nappy bags, bottle after sticky bottle of Calpol; constantly heating the house to maintain a temperature of between 18° and 20° in every room all day long; and running the tumble dryer every day to keep on top of the constant stream of poo-stained vests and spit-up speckled baby gros. Oops.
9. Making the most of each day Ah yes, getting up early to fit in brunch before going our separate ways to meet friends for coffee (me) or play tag in the park (him), then cleaning the house and doing a late-night grocery shop on the way home from a twilight walk, and finishing off with an episode of House of Cards. No more. Two things a day is the absolute maximum. And that takes micro-planning to achieve.
10. Spontaneity See above: two things a day; car packed the night before. Was it ever possible to just grab the wallet, phone, keys and go?
There’s a lot to get used to about this new Mummy me: she has dodgy hair and looks a fair bit older than the previous model; she doesn’t go to the gym or out on the town as often. However, I remind myself, she has built and birthed a human, and is feeding said human. She is providing someone else’s healthy diet, and is taking care of his skincare, personal hygiene and ethical development. Perhaps my standards haven’t slipped so much as they have been diverted onto this small person. I need that on a t-shirt.
‘I may be unwashed, unkempt and uncoiffed, but check out how great my baby looks!’
Come to think of it, I may need that on a travel mug and reusable shopping bag too.
