A simple, yet effective guide, when visiting homes like ours.
1. No loitering, especially by the door,
any door. This drives Ethan mad, and he assumes he is going somewhere, anywhere. The ever-learning toddler also thinks it means something and will try his best to swing open the locked door. This has ended in more bangs on his head than I care to admit.
2. When you say "goodbye" – please go, we have enjoyed your company and more importantly you have survived. Do not, I repeat, do not linger (loiter) by the door deciding now is the time to tell me what you may have forgotten to tell me half an hour ago. And if you must, please do not do it by the door, the front door especially. I have two arms, one normally has the twitching adventurous toddler; the other is trying to keep Ethan from bolting out the door. I’ve only two ears, trust me, I’m not listening to you, I’m listening for J who has suddenly disappeared, I can’t hear him and my mind has flashed back to that time he climbed out the bedroom window to "get a better view of the sky."
3. If your visit was planned... I did get nice biscuits. Ethan got to them first. I am sorry. If your visit was unplanned, there maybe a Liga I can offer you. Maybe.
4. You know where the kitchen is. It is basically where you expect to find any kitchen in any house. If you want tea or coffee, water or milk, you will find it all out there. There will always be coke too. Always. Don’t be shy or think it’s bad manners to go ahead and help yourself.. It’s not and I will always have a fresh coffee too while you’re at it. Don’t make me offer you a drink and then forget to make it for you, I always feel s****y when I remember that I forgot.
5. When I say I have no news, I’m not lying. I don’t have any news. I get excited at the thought of you calling to tell me news. The news I have mainly consists of Doctors, Specialists, Schools, Social workers and Lego, Peppa Pig, Jake and the Neverland Pirates and so on. So please, please tell me how you went out and made a complete ass of yourself while I tell you about the fight I had with J over sucking crayons just to see what would happen.
6. I am listening to you when I am singing ‘row, row your boat’ with Ethan and baby D. I am listening to you while Ethan bounces on the couch, screeching as Peppa Pig plays loudly in the background. I am listening to you when I sweep baby D up in one arm just before Ethan tries to trip him. I am listening to you as I glance out the sitting room window, checking that J is still where I can see him. So, please continue speaking, if I’ve missed something you’ve said, I am not shy, I will ask you to repeat yourself.
7. “Ahh, hey Ethan. He’s in great form. Give me a hug” while I understand you mean well, trust me if I say any of the following things, “He has just had a meltdown, he is just looking for a punch bag,” “Leave him for a few minutes, he’ll come over to you,” “He is not racist or biased, he will hit everyone and anyone, Ethan does not discriminate.” No amount of, “Ahh he wouldn’t hit me” is going to change Ethan's behaviour, nor is it helpful to tell him “Don’t hit. Ahh Ethan, don’t do that.” He firstly, doesn’t give two craps, as he does not comprehend any of those things you are saying, secondly, he has a hearing impairment but hates his hearing aids, thirdly he hits for many reasons, sensory, pain, crankiness, hunger, frustration… he just needs to let it out and if you aren’t going to heed me, please don’t be shocked when you get a slap or a kick. Be thankful he didn’t pinch, believe me, curled fingers or not, that kid can pinch.
8. Don’t leave your handbag on the ground, on the coffee table or on a chair. Baby D is noisy and only learning about boundaries which are difficult considering Ethan has no issues going through your bag, he is only looking for food, anything else he pulls out is down to you!
9. If you’re a fan of personal space, I am so very sorry. Ethan has no clue about that and will insist on slobbering wet slippery kisses all over your face. He will sit on your lap, physically turn your head in the direction he wants it in and scream in your ear “Mickey Mouse.” He just wants you to sing it. If you don’t know it, sing any rhyme or cartoon tune you know, he will appreciate that and enjoy it… FYI: Barney’s ‘I love you’ is always a winner. He will scream that he ‘bloves’ you... he means it, even if he gets over-excited and hurts you, he does love you.
10. Everything J tells you, take with a grain of salt, sometimes his imagination is as active as his ADHD. Baby D will trick you into finding the moon for him at any time of the day. If it’s not in the sky, I hope your phone is charged, he’ll expect you to show him it via YouTube. He will ask you for ‘Elmo’ as soon as he sees you’re on YouTube. I will, of course, ensure you have our WIFI password. Sweets. It’s simple, please don’t bring any. There really is no need, and there are so many things Ethan or J can’t have, there is no point, I end up eating them and blaming you for my weight gain.
11 Never, ever, ever mention Birthdays, Halloween, Christmas or parties, I BEG YOU! I don’t care if it’s Christmas week and for your 30
th birthday you are having a Halloween themed party. Ethan cannot, cannot understand waiting. He cannot get his head around time. Ethan will repeat “Trissmas” over and over, from September right through to February. From February right through to July, he will repeat “my birthday” (which is in May). From July to mid-September, he goes between “Halloween and school tomorrow?”. The ‘C’ word is fine, the ‘B-day’ is perfect and ‘H’, are all understood and recognised in our house, so much so, J uses them too.
So there, you have it, a guide to visiting a home like ours. The great news is, we don’t care if your child screams, breaks something or throws the mother of all tantrums, we will probably continue talking due to the fact we haven’t noticed, and if we did notice, I promise you, we have seen worse.
You are always, always welcome and we are more than happy to see you, just lock the door after you come in, please and thank you!
I am Ger, wife to D and a mom to three boys. I am their world while these four men are mine. We are trying to learn how to laugh again after our eldest son Ethan was diagnosed with Hunter Syndrome. This is a blog about living, laughing and learning.
We are thrilled to have Ger on board as our Guest Blogger this week, for more of her beautiful words, follow her blog: geraldinerenton.com or read yesterday's post on Respite care. 
