It’s almost impossible to wear black clothes around your kids, for fear that they will puke on you in spectacular fashion. And obviously, kid’s puke is THEE most colorful puke in the world, innit?
I have been puked on, or almost on, so many times at this point since becoming a mother that it has become part of my list of expectations to factor in each week;
Pay gas bill. Check.
Book Jacob in for haircut. Check.
Get puked on. Check.
My kids don’t particularly seem to be content with puking discreetly behind closed doors at home (although they do that too) – they are, it would seem, exhibitionist pukers. GREAT.
Here are some of the times that my kids have pulled an epic puke out of the bag:
1. At a funeral
Jacob was six month’s old when I attended a funeral with him and he had a bottle during the mass. I, of course, was wearing black. When I went to offer my condolences to the family after the service, my little darling threw up all over me and the church floor. A group of lovely elderly ladies literally rescued us by shuffling us into the sacristy and wiped my coat down with tea towels. Legends.
2. On my freshly laundered bedclothes
What is it about kid’s desire to wreck the one wee luxury that a parent can possibly have? There is still nothing nicer in the world to me than taking a bath, getting into clean pjs and hopping into a freshly made bed for the perfect night’s sleep. Which is totally possible for an hour and a half until one of your smallies crawls in beside you, slaps you repeatedly on the head to wake you and throws up over your hopes for a crisp night’s sleep in one fell barf.
3. Right before our entrance at an event
We were due to attend a christening yesterday; we had the gift, we were all dressed up and we hadn’t eaten any lunch because we were looking forward to being fed at the reception. It took an hour to get there and when we finally arrived, we all bailed out and unhooked Eva from her car seat..
..who opened up all over herself, her car seat (we’re talking into the holes where the seatbelts go), the back of the car, over her changing bag which was on the floor under her feet and a fair bit on the sleeves of Alan’s suit jacket. The SMELL all the way back home.. ugh.
4. At Eva’s naming ceremony
It was a beautiful day at our daughter’s naming ceremony; it was winter, the service was joyous, we had mulled wine and mince pies at the reception afterwards, Santa dropped in to say hi to the kids, we had booked transport home so we were merrily having a few drinks..
..until Jacob vommed all over the restaurant floor, right in the main walkway where people got in and out of the entrance and to the toilets. And then I proceeded to have a barney with the staff who weren’t very helpful and started demanding mops and ‘wet floor’ signs and.. well, maybe I don’t wear my mortification well.
5. When Alan opened his mouth
Alan seems to be the unfortunate puke receiver in our house. I attribute it to his stubborn refusal NOT to chuck the kids around right after they’ve just eaten. Without making you want to throw up yourselves, let’s just say there was an incident with a baby being held overhead while her Dad threw his own head back to laugh to appreciate the moment. That’ll learn him.
I’m sure this happens to you all the time too – come on, share your stories!
