Do you remember Madonna’s fall at the Brit awards earlier this year? It highlighted the seriousness of wardrobe malfunctions.
The whole unfortunate incident also lead me to reminisce about all the wardrobe malfunctions that I have suffered – not as an international pop icon but as a mother. So here is my list of wardrobe malfunctions only mothers will relate to:
1. The peek-a-boob
This happens frequently when you are nursing a child, particularly during the early ‘cluster feed’ stage (sometimes affectionately referred to as the ‘clusterf*ck’ stage). The tits are out more than they are in so opening the front door with one or more boobs exposed is totally normal. Reactions range from shock to awe depending on who’s on the receiving end of that nip. My friends were awed by the sheer size of the nipple while my father-in-law clearly found the experience jarring.
2. The mystery sick
You know that the child just sicked on you, but you can’t find it. Don’t worry you will find it later, when in polite company or during a job interview. The Man and I have turned Mystery Sick into a game, it’s kind of like ‘Hotter, Colder’ except we can never decide which is preferable: finding the sick still warm or after it has cooled?
3. The unauthorised undress
Toddlers love messing with buttons and zips which is how I came to discover that I was having brunch half-naked recently. The Child was on my lap being uncharacteristically quiet (warning sign number 1) while I was catching up with a friend. I noticed a man at a nearby table giving me an admiring glance (warning sign number 2 – it was not an admiring glance). When I stood up to go to the loo, I felt an unseasonal breeze (warning sign number 3). I looked down and realised the baby had undone my top, and I was strolling through a restaurant inadvertently flaunting what little I’ve got left.
4. The clingy nappy
I am aware that this one kind of makes me sound like amateur hour but I’ve noticed the wearing of velcro-friendly materials often leads to dirty nappies sticking to me during the changing process. A cotton-clad arm straying too close to the old nappy will invariably cause the nappy to adhere to my sleeve and rub off on my clothes. There are two hard and fast rules of the ‘clingy nappy’: 1) this will only ever occur with poo-filled nappies and 2) it will only ever occur when you are out in a nice restaurant without a change of clothes or in front of your mother-in-law.
5. The buggy trap
Buggies these days have so many levers and handles that becoming entangled is pretty inevitable. Recently, I was exploring the oft-maligned dungarees as a potential addition to my casual wardrobe. I was in the supermarket when I spotted an incredible offer on half price Ben & Jerry’s (the peanut butter kind), naturally I lunged, not realising that my dungaree strap had become wound around the break lever. The movement nearly upended the pram. I managed to stop it from upturning completely but witnesses still looked at me like I was the most irresponsible mother ever to be engaged in fashion choices that were endangering my baby. I will leave you with a final word on Mother Madge’s little incident. We spotted this amazing post on Instagram detailing a safety feature Madonna’s wardrobe techs need to know about.
And for anyone who doesn’t remember Madonna’s fall and subsequent wardrobe malfunction, here’s a quick reminder:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pw-8ufGeZwE
