Melissa Keane and Gareth Mc Donald had been together since they were teenagers. When they welcomed their baby boy Joshua in May, 2015, their family was complete and life was an adventure stretched out before them. Nobody could have predicted the tragedy to come.
Last Christmas their carefully laid plans imploded when Gareth died suddenly on December 9. Melissa tells Katie Mythen what it’s like to see your dreams for the future vanish before your eyes.
“My first impression of Gareth was that he was witty, charismatic and kind. A gentle giant, he was 6’6 tall and a rugby player for Wesley rugby club. He was confident and sweet and so different to all other lads his age I had met.
He was the life and soul of the party, a slagger but only as a term of endearment. He was a beacon of shining light, a loyal friend and a devoted son to his parents.
We had been together since we were 19. We had bought the apartment we’d been living together for the past six years, so when I found out I was pregnant in September 2014 we couldn’t have been happier. Gorgeous Joshua arrived in May 2015, three weeks early.
After the usual teething problems as first time parents, we hit our stride. We were looking forward to Joshua’s first Christmas as a family. Joshua was a dream and he was his father’s pride and joy.
I can truly say I had never been happier.
‘In that moment I lost everything.’
On Wednesday, December 9, everything changed. My love came into the bedroom in a panic and said he couldn’t breathe. I rang an ambulance. He passed away before he reached the hospital.
He’d had minor surgery on his ankle in November. It had healed fine but doctors say it was a freak blood clot from his heart to his lungs that took his life.
In that moment I lost everything. My whole life and everything as I knew it was gone.
I am left with a child that now depends solely on me. I have always worked (I’m a Product Advisor in a bank). Gareth was a security engineer. We were happy, normal people who had never done a thing wrong.
Now my day to day life is one long nightmare. A repetitive nothing that makes one day roll into another. I spend all my time trying to make sense of what happened. Being a lone parent is not what I saw for myself; I was 100 per cent committed to giving Gareth the child he always wanted but I always thought we would do it together.
‘I miss belonging to someone’
There are times when I feel like I am drowning in sorrow. I am the only 28-year-old new mum that I know of who has lost their partner of eight years. Bereavement of any kind is awful but I feel like nobody can comprehend what I’m going through.
I miss belonging to someone. I miss being a part of something. I miss being his good morning and his good night. I miss feeling like I have a foundation. I miss my best friend.
Unfortunately Joshua is not old enough to remember his dad. He was seven-months-old when he passed. I would like him to know that his father was kind, chivalrous, confident, kind and compassionate. I want him to know that just because you are the biggest man in the room does not mean you have to be a bully or aggressive. I want him to know that his father, even at the tender age of 27, was a gentle man.
When it comes to grief, time means nothing. I wish I was further along in my journey three months later but I am stuck in December 9th, the day my life changed for ever. I want people to know that grief takes all different forms. There is no normal for how you should get through it. It is one step forward and eight steps back.
‘There is no support available’
I do not feel like there is any bereavement support available at all. I would like to talk to someone who has had a similar experience. I feel very alone in the world. I don’t know anyone who has gone through what I have.
I have been waiting over three months for what they called ’emergency therapy’ yet I have yet to get an appointment to see anyone. My biggest source of support is my mother and my friends. Without them I don’t know where Joshua and I would be. They have lost their friend and are grieving themselves but they have dropped everything to be by our side.
My hope for the future is that I can raise Joshua to be the kindhearted loving man that his father was and show him that women, no matter what the circumstances, can be strong and overcome.
It does not mean I will ever forget him but I am so blessed to have shared eight years of my life with an exceptional man who gave me an exceptional gift, Joshua.
One day I would like to be able to say I am happy again.”
If you are bereaved, there are many services and support groups throughout the country, both public and private, professional and voluntary, religious and secular, click here for a list.
