When a loved one passes before their time, you can find yourself angry at the Universe, God, or whatever higher being you believe to be true. ‘It’s not fair.’ ‘It wasn’t their time.’ You start to feel lost, and all you want to do is crawl up in a ball and take the time you need to grieve.
You need time to start the healing process after a huge loss. Keep the blinds closed if you have to. Stay in your pajamas for a few days if necessary. You need somebody to go above and beyond in caring for you. You need them to take a load off you and say ‘you know what, I’ve got you.’
Unfortunately, this isn’t always an option. Especially when you are a fulltime mother. Life doesn’t stop because your heart is broken and you doubt life and its intention. The kids still need to be fed, washed, dressed, brought to (pre)school, cared for, loved, encouraged. ‘Life goes on’ they say. Oh, how much I have found that to be bitterly true. Having learned this life lesson the hard way, I have focused all my energy on my children and their happiness.
Don’t let them see that Mama is breaking on the inside.
I’m fine, really. But you know what? They know.
I believe that children have a great sense of understanding. The words I might say to them contradict the facial expressions. ‘Mama, why are you sad?’ ‘What makes you think I’m sad?’, I said while smiling at my beautiful son, shielding him from my inner sorrows. ‘Because when you smiled, it wasn’t true.’ he said.
I realised that no matter how hard I tried to protect my children, they would always be tuned into my true emotions. Taking a step back I came to the realisation that I needed to make my bereavement, and ultimately my happiness, the number one priority. It’s like the air hostess says before the plane takes off; ‘Place your oxygen mask on your own face before attending to children.’ How can you protect your babies while you yourself are suffocating?
Never underestimate the importance of your own happiness, no matter what life throws your way. A happy mother equals happy children. You will better their lives by improving your own. What can you do to make your life happier?
Aisling is an Irish mother of two boys (age two and five) currently living in the Netherlands. She loves to write about what life throws your way, as a mother, as a sister, as a woman, documenting it all on her website The House of Bash. Aisling is also a Style Contributor for The LB Brand based in Philadelphia and a creative writer for fashion and motherhood websites as well as a translator/transcreator. Catch up with her on her blog or Instagram.
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