Having kids is a big decision. For Alan and I, we had to feel ready in every sense of the word; we had to have the financial means to do it, we had to be secure in our relationship with each other and we had to have sown our wild oats.
At 34 (me) and 39 (him), you'd have to assume we were NEARLY there with all that but we still had to think about it. At any rate, we didn't take the decision to go down the parenthood road lightly.
Equally, our decision to not have any more kids hasn't been taken lightly either. I'm 38 now (tell anyone and I'll deny it) and as soon as I had Eva last year, I kept thinking 'If I'm going again, I'd like to do it now, sooner rather than later'.
The panic I felt was a mixture of having a rubbish pregnancy (loved it with Jacob, don't know what happened), and Alan dropping into conversation here and there that he was '40 now and didn't want to be an old dad'. Of course, I don't want him to feel that way, or put that kind of pressure on him so I took what he was saying on board.
But I still couldn't be sure that I didn't want another baby. I'd look at the two gorgeous kids that we have and have these existential conversations with myself that went along the lines of;
If you knew you could create something that beautiful, why wouldn't you do it forever?
and,
How can you say with certainty that you will absolutely not ever create another little human being when you know you have the potential to do so?
Head. Wrecked.
And so we chatted on into the wee hours, going around and around. Alan and I got engaged this year and potential dates for the wedding circled around the notion that we might have another baby. I would either get pregnant again really quickly and put off the wedding until 2017, or I would get married no later than March next year so that I could get pregnant straight away afterwards. And, we joked, have at least ONE legitimate child ;o)
But we just couldn't make a definite call on it. I think Alan would have given in if I'd really been determined that our family should expand one more time and I would have agreed if he'd felt the same.
Then one weekend during the summer, Alan took Jacob off for two nights to visit family and it was just Eva and I hanging out at home together. She is a super little sleeper so every evening when she nodded off, I had the place to myself. I had a chance to properly take stock of my life and surroundings and really think about this big question.
When the boys arrived back, I told Al, 'Ok, I'm definitely decided and agreed: no more kids'. We talked about it for a while and felt that we were so lucky to have the kids we have and we were proud of ourselves and them.
Although some people say that making the decision to stop trying for more can be very emotional, everyone's circumstances are different and I didn't feel that way. I personally felt happy and a little bit relieved that we'd finally made our minds up.
Our family is at capacity; we have just the right amount of love and patience, resources and money and time to dedicate to two lovely kids (and that crazy dog!). If we had another, we might mess up the equilibrium, our cup might spilleth over and then I fear we wouldn't be the great parents we are and intend to be. As it stands, our family dynamic feels right so we are officially drawing a line under the baby making.
Now all I need to do is remember to take my pill ;o)
Have you made this decision lately? Share your stories at Sharyn.Hayden@HerFamily.ie
