When my daughter was born, there was a strict no visiting policy in the Hospital, but my Dad, who would have been physically unable to stay away, pretended to be a doctor and swanned in.
So there I was sitting up in bed, beaming at my firstborn. A little girl. The most perfect person I had ever seen. My ultimate “Blue Peter” moment! Anyway, in he bursts, and the first thing he says after enveloping us both in one of his famous hugs was “it’s fierce isn’t it”? Not the reaction I had been expecting! Having had a very long day the day before, and little to no sleep since, it took me a while to grasp his meaning – but then I did. Motherhood, and becoming a parent, allows you to feel a love like no other. And yes, cross a Mother with her child, and “fierce” is likely the response you would get! For nothing can prepare you for the love that you feel when you welcome your child. It is a powerful and very beautiful thing.
Fast forward to now…..and that little cherub is now a 7-year-old girl, who has been joined 5 years ago by our son. So what have I learned since?
1. Firstly, Billy Connolly was right. I once heard him talking about the fact that his children were “edible.” They’re designed to be cute so that when they wake screaming at night, and shit up their backs, and throw food all over your newly painted walls, that you can still find them the most intriguing characters in the world! Up until recently both of mine thought that “cheek tax” was a real thing. Their cheeks were just SO chubby; they begged to be squeezed. Daily.
2. There is no such thing as “perfect mothering,” and I believe from the experts in the field that in fact, all the research shows that “good enough mothering” is in fact best. It’s not a perfect world out there, so why set your kids up to expect one? Showing them that all you can do is your best, and sometimes even adults make mistakes (!) is a great way to build their resilience early on. Say no to them when you have to. Let them be bored. Challenge them in ways that allow them to build their resilience, thereby setting them up to be much better able to cope with the realities of life in years to come.
3. No one really knows how they will react to being a parent, and nothing prepares you for the judgement that others will hold if your approach is different from theirs. Who knew?! Boobs/Bottles.? Sling/Pram? Cot/Family bed? Who cares?! Are we all still breathing? Grand! Follow your instinct and do what’s right for you and your family. No one else is you, so how can they know what’s best in your world?!
4. “Mother knows best,” was not really a message that I heard much about during either pregnancy. And while I think that most will agree that you are better listened to by the professionals after your second than after your first child, I actually believe that this is a message that should be driven home to all Mothers more. You do know best! Mothers know their babies on a level before they are born. They have instincts; they have hunches. And most of the time they are right. Just because they might not be a trained professional does not mean that Mother’s voices should not be heard. I was lucky enough that my Dad drove that home to me – and it served both me and my kids very, very well, in countless ways.
5. All the clichés are true. No sooner do they finally walk/sleep/eat… then there’s something new to worry about. Don’t wish the stages away. Hellish and all as sleep deprivation is, it really does pass, and I have to say on the rare nights when we are still joined in our bed after a nightmare or some such, there is nothing like that feeling of holding on to your most precious being, knowing that only you can comfort them as they need. (Until they kick you square in the face at 4.27am, and that feeling wanes somewhat!)
6. I was completely overwhelmed by the depth of feelings I had for my two. I couldn’t get enough of them. I adored everything about them and was constantly focused on trying to “meet their needs before it became a deeper need” for them. And while I in no way regret my approach, what I do see now is that I totally, 100% forgot about myself in the mix. And that is no good for anyone. So don’t do that! Take a nap – even if it’s just for 20 minutes – it will make a difference. Say yes to help – no one actually expects you to be up all day and all night, and have a perfectly clean home and fresh baking in the oven. Hire it. Ask for it. Barter for it. Get some time for yourself and do what makes you happy.
7. Lots of Mothers don’t experience the heady highs of Motherhood immediately. I see others who feel a massive knock in confidence later on, often as they want to return to work. This is a very common, but not enough talked about topic in my view. Make sure you have a tribe. Talk openly. Spend time looking inward to see what is going on for you. Get help and know that there is a way out of these feelings, however long it takes.
8. Parenting isn’t about making perfect mini versions of ourselves. The old saying that “you only get a loan of your kids” is true. I believe that our role is to nurture them and help them grow into functioning members of a changing society. We need to teach them things that matter to us. Things we want them to have in their world. I recently talked to my daughter about how she would feel about getting paid less money for doing the same job as her brother. She laughed so much her food almost came out her nose. This stuff matters. Catch them young. These are the future policy makers of our world.
9. You can’t fight their battles for them, and wow is that a hard one to swallow. Watching them wrestle with uncomfortable emotions is so unbelievably heart-breaking. As they grow you go from being the person who meets every need to being the person who has to help them to develop skills to meet their own needs in time. That is a very distinct line, and one that I think gets blurred in our society. No one is ultimately responsible for anyone else’s happiness but their own. Teach your kids that, and everyone is winning.
10. I’ll finish by mentioning my Dad again. He once said to me “you don’t have the power to make me not love you.” Boom. What a message! It’s one I share and use all the time since, – so feel free to use it too if you wish! Surrounding your kids with love. Giving them security. Letting them know that you are on their team. That to me sums up what parenting, and being a Mother is all about. We all wish that our Parents had done some stuff differently, our kids will wish the same. And that’s OK. But enveloping them in the kind of love that needs no explanation is our role. And for everything we give, they will give it back to us in multiples. The love we have for our kids takes us to highs and lows that we never knew existed. It stretches our resources, our sense of humour and our resilience, and there is no book written or to be written that can encompass all that that means. Children are the future. Love them. Nurture them. Enjoy them. Let them prosper. Then sit back with pride and watch the fascinating individuals they are sure to become.
Leisha is our resident Work Psychologist, Coach, and mum.
