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9th July 2015
03:41pm BST
Did you get socks? Most of us did. It's the ritual. The "Dad's annual sock stock clearance”. As the new, shiny, Homer Simpson/Football Team/World's Best Golfer (delete as appropriate) pairs take pride of place in the front of the drawer, two-year-old socks get shoved to the far end, where they glance nervously at the three and four-year-old pairs. These old timers haven't moved since they got "the shove".
This fate for socks is the natural order – it cannot be arrested. Unless, perhaps, NASA develop a non-ageing sock – a sock that can withstand shoelessly putting the bins out, kicking the 456th penalty for Ireland against Arsenal with the lads in the back garden and, of course, natural Dad-induced erosion. This project is probably seriously underfunded and, frankly, has little chance of getting out of the R&D stage during our lifetime.
But it doesn't have to be like this.
There is hope.
Not just for socks but for Dads too.
How about the ladies with father-husbands (much nicer than baby-daddies) reading this, stick a reminder in your phones tonight? Put it in on May 19th, 2016. It must read like this:
"One month to go. NO SOCKS!"
Set an alert reminder thing too. On May 19th, your phone will beep, you'll go, "what the hell is this?" and your brain will recall that there are thirty more rotations of the earth on its axis before you must presently present himself with a 'present from the children' present.
This gives you time to think about it; to ask yourself, "what would he like?" Or, maybe more accurately, "what does he deserve?"
Don't ask the kids, the supposed purchasers of this gift, for advice. They will suggest trampolines and Elsa dolls and Match Attax. All fun items, granted, but not what's called for.
Now, you have just over four weeks to channel your inner Cumberbatch and Sherlock into an idea that however small, will be perceived as the biggest, most thoughtful, butterfly-inducing idea since the first time you allowed his lips to touch yours. (He still can't believe you let him do that, by the way, but that's a different story to the one we're exploring today.)
Why will it be such a big deal to him?
Simple.
Because it's not socks.
P.S. This piece can easily be adapted and applied to "hilarious" mugs, novelty ties, slippers, screwdriver sets and the terrifying, misshapen, air-dried pottery the youngest lad made in the crèche.
P.P.S. – I should confess that I actually didn’t get socks this Father’s Day. It was a lovely day.
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