I’m a chatter. A chitty-chatter woman who has been known to engage with the other passengers on the Galway to Dublin train on such a personal level that we exchanged phone numbers when the journey came to an end.
But since I’ve had kids, I have discovered that there are some moments when it is not only almost impossible to have The Chats with other people, but also, kind of annoying.
Here are 8 times when you really wish people would give you a wide berth:
1. When your kid is throwing a tantrum in the school yard
“Oh no, is he having a bad morning?” they enquire with a sympathetic smile as your little darling kicks you in the ribs AGAIN. Speaking to a mother dealing with this kind of situation is dangerous on several levels, not least because she is trying so very hard not to lose her cool. Do her a favour and pretend she and the little fuzzball of rage are invisible, and don’t tip her over the edge.
2. When you are trying to buckle your child into their car seat
So my head is inside the car, the car seat buckles are nightmarish and it takes all your patience to get your wriggling baby to hold still for just three seconds so that you can master the operation. But wait, what’s this, you have a question for me while I’m at this? Super! I would love nothing more to feel the added pressure your presence standing right behind me while you direct questions at my arse. Sidenote: I can’t effing hear you!
3. When you are carrying a baby in a car seat
My new favourite thing: people discussing how desperately heavy baby car seats are, with women who are standing in front of you, laden down with a heavy car seat. Ironic much?
4. When you are drying your hair
The drying of one’s hair is a wondrous thing for many reasons. Firstly, you are getting to dry your hair – that’s a miracle when you have small kids knocking about. Secondly, if someone is around, say, your partner or a parent or friend and they are covering you while you get to dry your hair, perhaps they could be kind enough NOT to ask you five questions so that you have to keep turning the thing on and off to hear them? Defeats the entire purpose.
5. When your baby is crying
Dear World, when a mother’s child is crying, the only sound that she can hear is the sound of her child crying. She will not be able to concentrate on any other human interaction until her child is no longer crying. Furthermore, the sound is a complete stress-inducer so asking questions throughout such as, ‘is she tired?’ ‘did you change his diet?’ ‘when did you last change her?’ etc is unhelpfully adding to the stress. Let’s just all agree that holding your arms outstretched to take the baby for a cuddle and/or silently placing a cup of tea and a packet of biscuits in front of said mother is the more welcome approach.
6. When you are trying to discipline your child
Discipline is one of those areas of parenting that requires constant monitoring and change. What works one week might not work the next and if you are mid-stern-discussing with your son or daughter about family rules or expected behaviour, the very last thing you need is someone chiming in with a ‘Will I take him out for a walk?’ or ‘Would Jacob like a biscuit?’ Brilliant, all efforts are now completely pointless.
7. When you’re on the phone
Uninterrupted phone calls are so rare to a parent of kids that you literally have to time your important call-making time around naps, sitting in the car outside the school and even just until after they’ve gone to bed. You might have waited until 9pm to chat to your best mate about their latest news or to plan a night out so why in the name of all that is good should you have to suffer another adult in your life calling you from the next room. “What?” they’ll call, “I can’t hear you.. are you talking to me?.. What did you say?” You ignore them, while distractedly trying to concentrate on the latest juicy gossip, hoping that by not answering them, they will finally get the message. But then, when you hear another “Sharyn, I still can’t hear you!” calling from the sitting room downstairs, you lose it. You completely lose it. You know what I’m talking about.
8. When you’re trying to get your kid to eat their dinner
If your house is like my house, then you’ll know that dinnertime doesn’t always come easy. From 4pm onwards, I am trying to keep my kids out of the fridge so that they won’t load up on snacks, which requires the skills of a ninja. I then have to make something that I hope they’ll eat, which requires the skills of a magician (cue disguising chicken as potato). The countdown to dinnertime begins at 5pm – toys down, tv off, excuses made and discussed ad nauseum. We all sit down somewhere around 5.20pm and pray that today will be the day that we got it right and everyone scoffed their food. And it’s going well, until someone calls in on spec for The Chats. The kids, seeing their opportunity, bolt from the table and back to their toys. Say goodbye to the last two hours of your life.
Have you any to add to this list? Join the conversation on Twitter @HerFamilyDotie
