Samuel is cheeky. Take the best parts of my wife’s personality and the best parts of mine, discard the rest and you get Sam.
He’s the funniest person I’ve ever spoken to. Don’t believe me? Well, he once sent a Snapchat of his face with the word SAP written across it to his Montessori teacher’s ex.
Here’s proof.
No further questions, your honour.
What follows are genuine conversations I’ve had with him over the past few weeks.
Me: “How was school, Sam?”
Sam: “Good.”
Me: “What did you do?”
Sam: “Nothing.”
Me: “Who did you play with?”
Sam: “I dunno.”
Me: “Was your teacher, Ciara, there?”
Sam: “No.”
Me: “No? So, who was teaching you?”
Sam, deadpan: “Wolverine.”
Me: “Samuel Moore! Did you wet your pants?”
Sam: “No. There was wet and my pants got in the wet.”
Sam: “Dad, why are you called Dave?”
Me: “Because that’s the name that Nana and Grandad gave me, just like we gave you the name Sam.”
Sam: “Can I give the girlies a name?”
Me: “Well, they’re already called Nina and Anna.”
Sam: “Oh.”
Me: “What names would you have given them?”
Sam: “John Terry.”
Sam walks out the door.
Sam: “What country is ice cream from?”
Me: “Er… I’m not sure, buddy.”
Sam, crying: “Mammy! Daddy’s not sure!”
Me: Shouting into the kitchen: “Trace, what’s the name of the Bowie song we were singing outside?”
Sam: From the kitchen: “Ziggy Stardust, Dad!”
Andrew (5) and Sam are fighting.
Me: “Guys! Come on. Stop fighting please. You’re going to be brothers and best friends forever. You HAVE to learn to get along!”
Andrew: “Well, Sam started it!”
Sam: “Awwww, I’m not marrying you, Andrew!”
10:30pm. Friday night.
Tracy: “One of the lads is up.”
Me: “Pause the movie, I’ll go up and see what’s going on.”
This.
Me: “What are you doing, Sam?”
Sam: “I’m going to the gym, Daddy.”
Sam miraculously ALWAYS needs to talk to Mammy when I call on the phone.
Sam: “Who’s on phone?”
Tracy: “Daddy.”
Sam: “I have a pain in my bum hole.”
This was a while ago. At bedtime.
Me: “What’s your favourite animal, Sam?”
Sam: “Gwilla.”
Me: “Oh, a gorilla? Cool.”
Sam: “And bithkith.”
And just this evening.
Sam: “Dad, Ben Flynn doesn’t like oranges.”
Me: “Does he not?”
Sam: “No. Do you like oranges?”
Me: “I do. I love them. Do you like oranges, Sam?”
Sam: “No. I haaaaaaaate them.”
Me: “Really? Cos you ate one about 10 minutes ago.”
Sam: “No. I haaaaaaaate them.”
Me: “Ok, cool. What’s your favourite fruit then?”
Sam: “Emmmm. Oranges.”
Just for the sake of it, here’s my favourite pic of me and the two lads.
I am David Zachary John Moore. I am married to Tracy (who used to be Velcro Girl on 2Phat). We have four kids: Andrew is 5, Samuel is nearly 3, Nina and Anna are twins and, as of today, are 5 ½ months old. We have a dog called Lorna, a lurcher we rescued in 2005. She can leap a 9-foot wall in one go. I am tired.
