As much as you might try sometimes (!), you can’t pretend that you don’t have kids.
I know that sounds like a totally weird thing to say, but you know what I mean.
At times, you might feel like being your original independent ‘you’ or to still be perceived as cool or not just a ‘mammy’ with the other non-parents of the world.
But the fact is, parenthood creeps into you whether you like it or not – it seeps into your pores and takes over your mind and soul so that even if you were rocking out child-free at a music festival, something you would say or do would definitely give it away;
‘I am someone’s Mam’.
Here’s How You Know That You’ve Become A Real ‘Mammy’:
1. You have the ‘Mammy Car Block’ down
If you have to suddenly hit the breaks when another driver pulls out in front of the car, you do that thing where you put your hand out to prevent anyone from harm. Even when there are no kids in the car.
2. Baby speak escapes by accident
I recently asked a friend to hold out her ‘handie’ while I was giving her a birthday present. How. Embarrassing.
3. You have no time for the throwing of footballs or other sporty items
‘I will confiscate that!’ I found myself absent-mindedly roaring at the lads from Joe.ie in the offices last month, as a sliotar landed perilously close to my head. They’ll never let me forget it.
4. You clean up after random strangers
‘God they’re so messy aren’t they?’ I roll my eyes as I make a beeline for the empty coffee cups left behind at a table in Starbucks. The waitress literally has to prise them from my hands so that she can get on with her actual job while I go back to placing my order. Scarlet.
5. Everyone’s chin is fair game
You find yourself ‘fixing’ people. If they have a little food in their teeth, you let them know. If they have a streaky make up line on their jawline, you let them know. If they have some crumbs from lunch on their chin, you usually give it a little rub for them. ‘Jesus I wouldn’t let you out looking like that!’ you’ll tell them (and you mean it too).
6. You ‘don’t want anything’
If there was half a sandwich left on a plate and I was starving but I thought that you might be starving too, I would totally let you have it. Don’t mind me, I’ll just be over here, a true Irish mammy – STARVING TO DEATH.
7. You have martyrdom down
See No. 6
8. You are a kid-magnet
I could literally be on an adult-only silent retreat in a monastery and somehow, some way, an adorable little kid would find their way in to hang out with me. I must have ‘mammy’ written all over me because everywhere I go, I lock eyes with some cute kid so that we can have a wave or pull a funny face at each other. They know – THEY ALWAYS KNOW.
9. You can’t dance any more
I used to be a dancer, an actual dancer and I used to rock it. Since having babies, my ability to dance has actually been disabled. I tried having a boogie with the kids the other day and my five year old son Jacob actually told me to stop it. Life. Over.
10. You deploy The Mammy Guilt with abandon
I don’t mean my own mammy guilt that comes in-built with becoming a mum. I mean the Irish mammy guilt that I am likely to inflict on my kids for the rest of their lives. ‘Why would you do that to mammy on MOTHER’S DAY?!’ I asked Jacob last week as he wiped my kiss off his cheek. The poor kid.
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