My partner Alan and I could almost be described as ‘professional arguers’. We are both extremely stubborn, strong-willed and have an inherent need to always be right.
Which of course is a total disaster in a relationship, because as the woman in our union I’m the only one who can be right.. em, right?!
Ok so I DO know I can’t win every argument, and in fact my relationship with Alan has been really good for me precisely because he doesn’t let me get my own way all the time.
We have learned how to ‘fight better’ with each other over the years; no longer having ridiculous petty rows over the most obscure things that results in stubborn radio silence from both ends for weeks.
And now that we are parents, we can’t ignore each other because so much of our family’s happiness depends us as the ‘grown ups’ being able to positively communicate with each other.
These days, we still have heated debates and arguments about all sorts of things, but we have learned to take on each other’s point of view rather than pig-headedly shouting our own point across until we’re blue in the face, hoarse in the throat and no longer interested in dealing with each other.
Nobody really likes fighting with their other half. If you’re like me, a row puts me in such a bad mood that the rest of my day goes to shit too.
As women, we do all have a little trick up our sleeve here and there to get our own way. It has taken me eight years to work this out, but I finally hit the ‘disarm him’ jackpot over Christmas..
I had just gotten out of the shower when we got into a stupid argument about who was being arsy with whom and how somebody needed to straighten out their mood before we took the kids swimming or else no one was going (you know that nonsensical rubbish I’m talking about?)
In the middle of it all, Alan started smiling and simply said;
‘Ok well let’s just go and have a great time. I’ll buy you a coffee on the way’
And then he came over, kissed me and left the room.
Which is when I realised that I hadn’t yet put a bra on.
Yes, ladies, boobs still win every time.
You don’t always have to win an argument to be good at it – sometimes it’s good to agree to disagree – but here are some top tips to follow the next time you find yourself battling to get your point across:
- Actively listen – the other person needs to feel like they are being heard so that they might offer you the same courtesy when it is your turn.
- Don’t interrupt – there is nothing more annoying than knowing that your opponent is actively planning their next point rather than listening to you and jumps in before you are finished!
- Keep it friendly – an argument doesn’t have to descend into a street brawl, you can actually have a really healthy argument that you walk away from with all your teeth intact. It’s called respecting each other.
- Give more than just ‘my idea is better’ – you have to explain WHY it’s better. ‘Just ‘coz’ is the answer from eight-year-olds so you can’t use it as an adult. If you care enough about your point to have the argument in the first place then you better know what you’re talking about!
- Stay calm – pausing in between points is more impactful than raising your voice and once you lose your temper, you’ve completely lost any chance at winning anyway
- Manage your reactions – rolling your eyes when the other person is trying to make a point, or stomping out and slamming a door is not the actions of a professional arguer! You wouldn’t catch The Good Wife at that lark, would you?
- Look for a win-win – wouldn’t it be amazing that if, at the end of your argument, you had a hug and said ‘Cool, that’s that. Will I put the kettle on?’ and it was over? Let that be your aim for fighting in 2016!
And if all of the above fails ladies, well, you know what to do. Just make sure you don’t get yourselves arrested.
