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27th Mar 2024

‘I told my best friend her hubby made a pass at me and now she blames me, not him’



“I expected my friend to be upset but I was surprised when she got upset with me.”

Close friendships often lead us to form bonds – or at the very least, surface-level friendships – with the significant other of our friend.

Yet some people don’t know where to draw the line in building a relationship with their partner’s friends and take things to an inappropriate level.

It’s a position many of us or someone we know have been in before: a friend’s partner getting a little too close or too friendly for comfort, leaving you wondering if you should tell your friend or if you’re overreacting.

One woman couldn’t dismiss her own discomfort as paranoia or an overreaction, however, when her best friend’s husband blatantly flirted with her in secret – then begged her not to tell his wife when she shut him down.

Taking to Reddit, the woman explained that her best friend of 16 years has been married for five years. The original poster (OP) never particularly liked her pal’s husband as something seemed “off”, but she never brought this up as she had no reason to believe it was anything but her own personal taste.

In a post uploaded last night, OP wrote: “Due to our connection through her we do sometimes talk on social media, not often but he is on my friend list. Three nights ago he made a pass at me, sending some rather flirty messages and commenting about a picture I’d put up a few hours earlier of myself at the beach with a friend.

“I was naturally disgusted with this and asked him what the f**k he was doing and told him I was his wife’s best friend, then asked if he was drunk. He quickly tried to backtrack and cover his arse but it was very clear he’d been making a pass from what he’d written. He then begged me not to tell her, at which point I ignored him.”

OP said she took a screenshot of each message to ensure she had proof, then called her friend the next morning and asked her to come over.

“I had wanted to tell her in person as it’d be easier to soften the blow rather than immediately sending all screenshots to her with no easing into it,” she explained.

She laid it all on the table and showed her pal the message exchange from the night before. Yet, as is often the case in these situations, her friend began to blame her instead.

“She told me I must have led him on in some way to make him think that kind of message was ok, that he’d never do something like this without being tempted first. I told her I’d never do that to anyone least of all my best friend and pointed out how clearly disgusted I was by what he’d written,” OP continued.

“I then told her I was worried because if he’d do this to her best friend what was he doing with women who didn’t know her?”

The woman’s friend left angry at her and hasn’t spoken to her since. OP says she has tried to reach out a few times but has yet to get a reply.

“I hope it’s just misplaced anger and she needs time to come to terms with this. I don’t know what else I was supposed to do, surely sitting on this and not telling her would have been worse?” she asked, looking for advice on the forum.

“You did the right thing, she is just in denial at the moment,” one user replied.

Another wrote: “Absolutely did the right thing – give her space and be supportive. People tend to lash out at the abused party in cases like this, but it’s a defense mechanism, it’s upsetting, but not about you.”

Someone else said they believed OP did the right thing, but that they were “not surprised with the outcome” of telling the friend. “It’s easier to blame you and give you the cold shoulder than deal with the marital stress,” they explained.