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28th Oct 2015

10 most dangerous things to say to the parent of a non-sleeper

Sophie White

I have argued in the past about how ‘good’ sleeper should not even be a thing. I have also made a case for the perks of having a so-called ‘bad’ sleeper. But now after two years of being a no-sleeper myself, I’m just too tired to pretend anymore.

Coming up on my second anniversary of the last time I slept two full nights consecutively I thought I’d put together this list to mark the occasion.

10 most dangerous things to say to the parent of a non-sleeper:

1. “Mine slept through from about two weeks.”

Is this even possible? Sometimes the claims of parents of sleepers seem so outlandish as to be made up. I guess some people are just born lucky.

2. “Sometimes I have to wake mine up in the morning.”
DO. NOT. Tell me this.

3. “Is he still not sleeping?”

To a severely under-slept person, the ‘still’ in this question can sound a little accusatory. Like saying “Are you STILL not getting the hang of this?”

4. “You look exhausted, you must be wrecked.”

Even if this is coming from a place of concern, please don’t comment on how wrecked we look. We KNOW we look wrecked; a reminder is really not necessary.

5. “You should try a proper routine”

Oh my god, do you actually think that I have outright rejected the notion of a routine? Every single night I replicate the bedtime of the night before, the only difference being that with every night that passes I lose a little more of my will to live and ability to function.

6. “Exercise is a great energy booster.”

The person who volunteers THIS little tidbit is living very dangerously indeed. I find pacing the floors holding my non-sleeper in the middle of the night is all the exercise I need. My calves are strong; my arms are defined, and my face is toned from having my jaw clenched in frustration AT ALL TIMES.

7. “Sleep begets sleep, are you sure he’s getting enough?”

Is the insane mind behind this complete catch 22 of a statement even listening to what I’m saying here? Of course, I’m sure he’s not sleeping enough, I’m not sleeping enough. But if I knew how to get him to sleep more, surely I’d be doing that right? How are you not getting this? I can understand this and I’m operating on about 20 per cent brain function due to lack of sleep.

8. ” My baby will sleep through ANYTHING.”

Like your screams as I wring your neck?

9. “What do you expect for not doing the sleep training?”

For many this is a completely reasonable point. For someone who can no longer remember why they didn’t do the sleep training but know that they had some fairly legitimate reason, this question is enough to tip them into a homicidal rage. It’s actually mad that more defendants in criminal trials aren’t blaming their children’s sleep patterns to escape incarceration.

10. “I’m so tired.”

No one. I repeat. NO ONE is allowed to be more tired than me so BACK THE SH*T OFF.

Unless you too have a non-sleeper, in which case welcome to my hell-club, let’s drink gin and talk about what assh*les our babies are for not respecting our sleep needs.