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09th Mar 2017

10 VERY predictable things people tell you to do with your own newborn

Trine Jensen-Burke

It’s funny how when face to face with a mama and her new baby, everyone seems to turn into parenting experts and baby gurus, isn’t it?

Trust me on this, once you start carting that baby of yours around, everyone – from people you actually know to random strangers you encounter in Tesco will start to give you their advice on what you should (or should not) do with your newborn.

Don’t believe us? Hah. Here are just 10 of the things your more than likely will be told once you enter motherhood and venture out in public:

1. “Enjoy every moment”

Oh, OK, then. Even the moments when I am so sleep-deprived I can’t even spell my name or remember where the heck I put the milk/fabric softener/nappies I just bought?

2. “Try to get him on a routine”

YOU try to get him a routine.

3. “Would you not try baby massage/baby reflexology/baby yoga?”

It’s not that I wouldn’t, it’s just that I am so flipping tired I can’t even be trusted to make it there in one piece. Also, I’m also not as hippie-dippie as you are, TBH.

4. “Remember to take pictures”

Thanks, I am. I’ve got the passive aggressive “Storage almost full” messages from Apple just to prove it.

5. Are you doing Gina Ford?

No. I don’t hate myself or my baby.

6. “You really should sleep when he sleep”

You see, this is a lot easier in theory than it is in practice. Because if I actually did just that, I would have to be willing to seriously compromise on my personal hygiene, the state of the house and my need for food.

7. “Are you doing tummy time yet?”

Suuuure. He LOVES tummy time. (*secretly googles tummy time…)

8.  Have you tried (insert magical sleep technique that got their baby to sleep through the night at four weeks old)?’

Look, lady, I haven’t slept in weeks. There is literally nothing I haven’t tried.

9. “Ah, he’s hungry – would you not just give him a bottle?”

He is not hungry, he just finds you really annoying. As do I.

10. “Have you tried to swaddle her?”

I have bounced and swaddles and carried and rocked and sang and then some – I think she just doesn’t like sleep. But hey; I am learning to live without, so maybe we’ll be fine!

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