Those first six weeks are often described as a magical time for new parents. And yet the first six weeks are also a profoundly scary time, not least for the newborns themselves.
They have been unceremoniously ejected from the cozy womb, are experiencing unpleasant drafts for the first time and are entirely dependent on babbling, hormonal idiots for their survival. Terrifying.
10 thoughts that will inevitably occur to newborns of first-time parents in the first six weeks:
Day 1
“Whaaaaaaat the f*ck is this? Think I’ll sleep now for the next six hours to physically and mentally prepare for the next six months, when I will sleep no longer than two hours consecutively. Ever.”
Day 2
“HHHmmmm delicious milk, I feel so content and sated. Wait, what is that INTENSE pain? Agh somebody wind me. WIND me dammit, I’m practically immobile here.”
Day3
“She has been crying all day today. Is she doing some kind of ‘Can’t beat ’em, join ’em ploy’? She’ll never match me in the crying stakes. When it comes to crying I CRUSH everyone… except maybe that kid over in bed 3 – she’s got a killer pitch.”
Day4
“I can’t believe the hospital let these people take me home with them, they are grossly under-qualified. All they do is whisper incoherent sentences and stare at me. I wonder if they are on drugs?”
Day 5
“Agh, why do they keep washing me? I’m not working up a sweat lying here blinking and moving my eyes. I am not getting dirty lying in this weird tilted chair thing all day. Enough with the baths.”
Week 2
“They seem to be getting the hang of this now. Think I’m gonna go the colic route, that’ll really f*ck with them.”
Week 3
“It’s so great being fed and cuddled all night long. I could really get used to this. Why would anyone want to sleep alone in that weird mini cage thing over there with the sinister birds circling overhead?”
Week 4
“Agh, I’m in the mini cage and I’m hating it. Whaaaaawhaahwaah. Oh thank god here they are. Wait, why aren’t they picking me up? What’s with this shhhh/patting thing? I DEMAND that you pick me UP.”
Week 5
“I am LOVING this co-sleeping thing. I think I’ll co-sleep ’til I’m at LEAST in college. The old cry-on-demand trick is so useful.”
Week 6
“They’re hitting breaking point, I might do the smile for them now to reward their abysmal efforts… then again I might do it for Granny instead. This will keep them compliant and continuing to question my love for them.”
Click here to see how the other half think.
