Parents often complain that how once you have a child to contend with the most basic things become immeasurably difficult.
With that in mind, early on, I decided to adopt that DrinkAware campaign slogan “know the one that’s one too many”. Though pertaining not to alcohol consumption but rather the number of errands I am trying to achieve with baby in tow. This will probably sound particularly pathetic to parents of multiple children but most days if I even get one thing done with the toddler around I feel like a bit of a hero.
On a recent trip to the shops, I forgot the golden rule and found myself in the midst of a Stage Nine Tantrum in a new ‘clean’ eating establishment near my house.
I had set out that morning to buy milk and a card for some friends who’d recently had a baby. I had already had one of those textbook toddler encounters in the newsagents during which a kindly stranger offered to hold him while I wrote the card and then he drew on her shirt with a pen that I didn’t even know he had on him.
I should have taken this as a sure sign that I had bitten off more than I could chew with this little foray. But, no. Instead when I spotted the new clean eatery, I was compelled to go in and sample their Paleo Twix a friend had told me about. This was a mistake.
10 times the simple act of buying a Twix with my son was the worst
1. When upon entering the shop, he ran straight into the food prep area and nearly caused a civil suit.
2. When I picked him up while talking to the attractive, young man preparing coffee and he (The Child, not the young man) nipple crippled me which I then had to pretend wasn’t happening (and wasn’t totally excruciating).
3. When he got away from me, as I fumbled for change, and I had to pin him against the counter with my leg (just not the kind of parenting I’m ever aiming for either in public or private).
4. When I put my hand into my bag and straight into an open banana. (Open bananas seem to plague me since having a child. Any time I choose to explore a nook or cavity without first LOOKING, my hand is guaranteed to come into contact with an open banana. Am I alone in this?)
5. When I retracted the banana hand and found that some rice cake remnants had become adhered to it.
6. When I was forced to accept my change with the banana/rice cake hand as my other hand was attempting to prevent The Child from eating food scraps from the floor.
7. When The Child became inexplicably wedded to the Caution Wet Floor sign and made off into the street with it.
8. When, after retrieving the child and sign, I was unable to remove the sign from his grasp. Unable. Seriously. And a random woman told me to “control that child!”
9. When, eventually after prising his determined little fingers from the sign, he threw himself to the floor screaming, and I spotted a couple sitting outside mouth something to each other. Presumably “Let’s book that vasectomy” or “Why is she so crap at parenting?”.
And lastly…
10. When I was just about to enjoy the Paleo Twix and The Child snatched it from my grasp and crushed it, CRUSHED it to dust. Devastating.
