Back in Poland, where I come from, couples preparing to get married in Catholic Church attend a set of classes about marriage and family.
A close relative got married last summer and approaching Christmas, the new couple faced the dilemma: which of their parents should they spend Christmas Eve dinner (the most important Polish celebration) with? They followed the advice from the classes and spent the dinner in their own home, just the two of them. It was helpful to get the voice of authority backing up the idea that from now on, what the new couple needs to focus on is building their own family, placing it ahead of their families of origin.
The boundaries were set and the message sent: we are now adults in our own right and making our own decisions.
The emotions that entangle us with our families and in-laws can sometimes make this relationship very problematic; especially when we become parents.
New grandparents have their own ideas on what their relationship with their grandchildren is going to look like. They might unconsciously see the new arrival as an opportunity to return as the conductor of the orchestra, back in control! Grandparents often test boundaries, trying to do certain things their way. I share the same experience with many of my friends: sometimes before leaving the children with their grandparents we give them instructions on food, schedules, clothes, etc., yet we often leave the house with a lack of confidence about whether our voice was heard.
And this is just a little, somehow insignificant example, compared to more enmeshed and complex situations, when the roles in the family are confused and strong fights over power and control in relationships take over. Or worse even, the new parents become compliant and are overwhelmed by their own parents, which means they never get out of the ‘child role’ and always feel inadequate as the mum and dad.
One of the reasons this happens is our difficult emotional response to our parents.
We might be still angry at them for things that happened when we were children. We might blame our parents for our defeats and life difficulties. Although now we are grown ups, we might still responding to our parents as children, letting them press the same emotional buttons (and in return - pressing the same buttons for them).
As a psychotherapist said in
this interesting interview, there is not going to be a second childhood. The time comes when we need to stop engaging with our parents in the dynamics from the past and focus on our own lives. Even if it means leaving some things unresolved, it's much more important for us as grown-ups to focus our energy on what is going on in the here and now; rather than being too attached to the past.
We all have emotional wounds but our task is to find a strength to go beyond it: admit it, accept it's there and build healthier relationships in the future, based on what's good and worth celebrating.
This also means forgiving ourselves and our parents for some of the mistakes from the past. This is not only an act of forgiveness, it's an act of taking responsibility for the present and finding new freedom to parent as we wish to. This means we are not condemned to be stuck in events from the past.This process of letting go will also allow us to see what's good and worth nourishing in our relationship with parents as grandparents.
After all, we can’t have a different childhood, and nor can we have different parents. The older they get, the clearer it might become, that it's worth doing the emotional work of detaching from the wounded self and find a space within ourselves, to enjoy our parents' presence.
It doesn't eliminate the importance of setting clear boundaries and establishing ourselves as parents, but it allows us to do it maturely. By doing the emotional work of ‘parenting the parents’ and managing our emotions towards them, we are not only freeing ourselves, but we are freeing our children from generational conflict too.
Agata Western is a Psychologist at Balancing Parents, mum and trainer specialising in life-long learning and personal development. She facilitates parenting workshops, which promote the understanding of emotional experience of parenting. Next workshop: Galway, June 5.
