Nanny shares the five things parents should avoid saying to a toddler in mid-tantrum

Jody Coffey

It’s likely they’re not listening anyway.

When your toddler is in the midst of a tantrum, a parent will do just about anything to cool things down.

These meltdowns can come out of the blue, often for no logical or apparent reason.

One nanny, who offers parental support on TikTok, has shared five things to avoid saying to an angry little toddler, unless you want to risk fuelling their temper more, which, we’re sure you don’t.

1. “I don’t know how to help you”

Nanny Amies, who has over 240,000 followers on the app, says this sentence will do nothing to soothe a disregulated toddler.

“Children do not tantrum on purpose. It’s when they’ve had a complete loss of any little control they might have.

“Hearing that the adult in their care doesn’t know how to help them can often make them feel worse.”

She adds that admitting to not knowing how to help may bring on another wave of emotion.

2. “Stop it or there’s no…”

This one is often pulled out of the parental toolbox during a tantrum only as a last resort, but it should probably be left there.

Nanny Amies admits to having used this sentence to correct behaviour throughout her career but explains why it should be avoided.

“It can be any threat, doesn’t matter what it is.

“The ‘Stop it or else’, unfortunately, adds to their upset – remember they can’t control it.”

She adds that this phrase can send the wrong message about behaviour and emotions connected to tantrums.

“The other side to that is if your child is old enough to have a little bit of control over their own actions, if you say, ‘Stop it or…’, if they stop the behaviour, they’re stopping out of fear.

“It’s fear of loss. It’s not learning why we should behave a certain way and it’s not learning why we are feeling a certain way. They will just control themselves and nip it in the bud because they don’t want to lose whatever it is you’re threatening them over.”

3. “If you stop, I’ll…”

Similarly, promising treats, such as lollipops or biscuits, to a child while they are in tantrum mode can have some negative impacts, the nanny explains.

The bargaining token can be a quick fix in a moment of weakness when a parent needs a meltdown to end, but it’s long-term effects are quite undesirable.

“What we’re essentially teaching them with that one is that we’re going to get all riled up and highly emotional, and then we’re going to eat our feelings.

“I’m talking from experience: that is something to avoid.”

The pleas may also extend themselves outside of sweets to include toys, dummies, or technology, which should be avoided too.

“If it happens enough, it means if those things aren’t available, you’ll really struggle to calm them down.

“These are things to keep in mind if you have a preschooler, whose prepping for school, or afternoon/mornings in nurseries.

“If a child becomes really disregulated in a setting where these things aren’t available to them, they will really struggle to be able to calm down.”

4. “What do you need?”

All any parent wants is to help where they can when their child is in the midst of a tantrum.

This may lead to mums or dads constantly asking a question that may make matters worse – ‘What do you need?’ – especially when there’s an element of panic in their voice.

This phrase is often accompanied by an urgency, which Nanny Amies assures stems from a primal instinct in parents, but is not essential in today’s world.

“But we’re living in the modern world. They are not at threat of Sabretooth tigers, starvation, of forest fires. It’s [tantrums] an inconvenience, essentially.

“We don’t want to do too much in these times, we want them to work through it. We want them to build resilience and the only way they’re going to do that is by working through the emotion.

“If every time they start crying over a non-essential item and the whole house just stops, unfortunately, it sends a lot of strong messages about the behaviour you’re seeing.”

“Why are you behaving like this?”

A question that all parents would like answered, I’m sure.

However, Nanny Amies says this kind of phrase in tantrums can be internalised as criticism and should be avoided.

“Essentially any criticism about their behaviour, which I know is really hard as well because whenever they’re crying about these inconveniences, the little ones that they’re having, to us, they mean nothing.

“We, with our adult brains and our priorities, we know that crying over a Lego piece, for example, is not a big deal, but your little one has a completely different set of priorities.

“Criticising their behaviour in that moment, unfortunately, won’t help either.”