Remember hard-eyerolling your own parents every time they uttered one of these infamous statements?
I certainly do. But then suddenly… I was that soldier. C’mon admit it, since you became a mum, how many of these gems have you come out with?
1. “I will pull this car over in a minute”
Everyone knows that you’re not stopping the car, just as everyone is fully aware you won’t actually turn the car around. Yet, this idle threat works a treat nine times out of ten.
2. “And if they jumped off a cliff, would you too?”
Ah, the lemming analogy. My children seem confused by this classic question, making me wonder if it is losing its power. I usually find myself overcompensating with a follow-up safety statement, “you should never EVER jump off a cliff, ok?!”
3. “Shur I didn’t have half these things when I was your age”
Back in 1867 we didn’t have any iPads and we had to make our own fun. Sometimes I only had a stick and a rusty tin can to play with. You should count yourself lucky.
4. “Just wait till your father gets home”
I swore I’d never turn himself into the bad guy, but sometimes there’s just nothing else to say. Of course, the fact that they are actually looking forward to Captain Fun coming home renders this threat completely benign.
5. “Eat your dinner – there are children starving you know”
I admit it, I’ve resorted to the mutha of all Irish Mammy guilt trips – the starving children. That broccoli won’t go into the bin on my watch.
6. “Because I said so, that’s why”
Never apologise, never explain – parenting rule numero uno. When you don’t know why, this is why. Nuff said.
7. “Were you born in a barn or what?”
Just hope that the little feckers don’t learn the cheeky Irish answer “no, in a hospital with swinging doors!”
8. “The wind will change and you’ll be stuck like that”
Be it nose-picking or face-pulling, this threat is your only man. Works like a charm as long as you keep a deadpan face. Terrifying.
9. “Which part of no did you not understand?”
Part confrontational, part confusing syntax. The perfect question to end all questions.
10. “You can do what you want. When you’re 18”
Can also be used interchangeably with “as long as you’re living under my roof…”
11. “Don’t come crying to me”
But you know that they inevitably will (see number 12).
12. “Mark my words, it’ll end in tears”
Of course it will. Sure doesn’t it always?
13. “Would ye ever just give me two minutes peace?”
Wee alone? Who needs to wee alone? It’ll all end in tears…
