Before my baby arrived I had read and heard all sorts of things about breastfeeding – what positions to feed in, how long to feed for, how to know when you have mastitis, and the charming facts behind leaking and engorgement.
What I was not prepared for was sitting still for 40 minutes… every two hours.
I have a hungry baby. I was hoping that I was just doing it wrong, that some nurse or support group would give me the key to spacing out these feeds or making them a little quicker, but it appeared that my son just loves a leisurely drink with his mummy. Every 120 minutes. I spent ten weeks trying different feeding positions, wondering if I had mastitis, wishing that I was not leaking through my shirt in front of visitors, and dreaming up ways to occupy myself whilst breastfeeding.
The quest for feeding-friendly activities actually began when my husband gingerly suggested that the baby would be more likely to fall asleep at night if I fed in the dark. He was right, but I was faced with the unlovely prospect of 40 minutes spent staring into the darkness and wondering if that funny feeling on my (still wobbly) stomach was leaking milk or the baby’s cold hand. The quest was further spurred on by my son’s weight gain – I could no longer feed and empty the dishwasher for example, or do much of anything else active or useful. In this case, necessity was the mother of invention, or, more accurately, boredom was the mother of the following list…
1. Get dolled up with one hand
So far, first time parenthood has not been my most glamorous hour. I spent the best part of three months sitting on the sofa in the afternoon wearing sick-speckled sweatpants with an infant hanging onto my breast. But once or twice I have had occasion to present myself in public and, after having the quickest of showers and pulling on clean(ish) clothes while my son protests from his bouncer seat, I have developed a surprising proficiency in one-handed make-up application. It’s not perfect, but it’s a lot better than my usual flat-haired, dark-circled look, and I feel one hundred times better for it.
2. Feedin’ readin’
Since my first lonely night in the hospital I have been cultivating an unhealthy attachment to a certain celebrity gossip website. My wonderful husband, in an effort to prevent my brain from deteriorating completely, started a shared file on our phones called ‘Feedin’ Readin’’. In it he pastes links to online articles he comes across that he thinks I’ll like or should read for my personal development as a parent. He also posts suggestive links to his favourite website du jour, Mr Money Mustache, where he hopes I will learn the keys to becoming a more frugal person. This may have been a reaction to another breastfeeding pastime of mine…
3. Armchair shopping
My son was born at the beginning of November and the first few weeks passed in a haze of discoveries along the lines of how to use a car seat and how to get a vest over a newborn’s floppy head without you or the baby bursting into tears. All of a sudden, Christmas was around the corner and the one job that I was far too controlling to delegate was the shopping. Ah, the joys of one-handed browsing and one-click ordering. This is also the first time I have been home during the day to receive the packages. My postman has caught me several times in a state of near undress, mid-feed and in pyjamas. While he might not agree with me, I think that the excitement of shopping with one breast hanging out is totally worth the dent to my dignity.
4. Have a doze
Alongside broken night time sleep, I was surprised to discover that breastfeeding can literally suck the energy out of you. After two months of thinking, “I’ll get a rest tomorrow”, it occurs to me that this restful tomorrow probably won’t come until tomorrow three years from now, so I’ve started to develop a feeding nest where, surrounded by pillows and armrests, I can refresh myself while the baby refuels.
5. Get the gals ‘round
Pretty early on in the breastfeeding saga I discovered that shyness is swiftly overcome by a crying baby; I would literally have walked around the hospital topless if it would have made my son stop crying. So, having thrown shyness to the wind early on, I became the hostess with the mostest when it comes to M.Y.O.T. (make your own tea) or O.Y.O.T. (order your own take away) nights with the girls… and the guys. Sure why not?
6. International WhatsApp everyone!
P.B. (pre-baby) having friends scattered all over the world was a bit of a novelty, a convenient way to save money when travelling and a bit of a conversation starter. But now that I’m breastfeeding this has taken on a whole new meaning: people who are actually awake and willing to talk to me during a dream feed. My husband wants to take this opportunity to thank these people as their scintillating conversation stopped me waking him up for a chat at 3am. Thank you.
7. Smart and sassy television
Since becoming a first time mom, in fact, since becoming pregnant, I’m haunted by the suspicion that I may never be able to hold an intelligent conversation again. So far, this has proved to be the case, but I live in hope. In an effort to absorb as much intelligence, wit and good manners as I can, I am binge-watching programmes like The West Wing, House of Cards and Downton Abbey. When I choose to give in to the baby brain, it’s more like Two Broke Girls; The Big Bang Theory and Modern Family. We can’t be on our A-game all the time.
8. TED talk time
For those yet to be indoctrinated into the TED cult, these short talks are engaging, funny and somehow manage to get me thinking without any effort on my part, which is essential during this period of postnatal fog. My husband learned how to tie his laces (more effectively) from a TED talk. I learned how to start a movement at a music festival should I become a cool, Electric Picnic-going parent. And, if I ever do regain the ability to string a sentence together, I am awash with interesting factoids about everything from Danish architecture to what happens when you go blind during a spacewalk. If all goes to plan, I will be on the top of many a dinner party guest list.
9. Have a quiet cuppa
There are fewer and fewer moments when I can enjoy a warm cup of tea; hot tea is obviously out altogether from here on for health and safety reasons. Soon, my little one will be crawling and walking and getting up to all sorts of things that he’s not supposed to, like eating my lipstick and playing with his daddy’s hack saw. So, during these halcyon days, I’m savouring every lukewarm cup of tea I can get.
10. Talk to the baba
Babies are like sponges; they’re absorbing everything they hear and see. I’m taking full advantage of this magical window during which he’s listening so attentively to whisper my thoughts and opinions into his ears so that, by the time he’s a grunting teenage boy, he’ll think they’re his own. I am paving the way for a relaxing future so that I can catch up on all the sleep I’m missing out on now. Genius.
11. Exceed expectations
In the cult film, Spinal Tap, the band’s speakers go up to eleven for when you need “that extra push over the cliff”. So, for the final push, I’d like to add an eleventh thing I do while I’m breastfeeding: write the odd article.
Karen Kelly is a primary school teacher and mum to Daniel. When not reminiscing about what it was like to empty the dishwasher in one go, she spends her time learning how to drive the electric car and using disposable nappies when her husband isn’t watching.
