Instead of lamenting my Mum Pouch I’ve made a conscious decision to embrace it.
Not in a “post a body positive type snap to Facebook” sort of way but actually, literally, embrace her.
That’s right, I gathered the gelatinous, rolling planes of my belly up into my arms and cuddled her close and whispered “I love you”. Because “if you can’t beat ’em join ’em” has always been my motto and a year after having The Child, the Mum Pouch appeared to be going nowhere despite my bare minimum efforts to shift it.
The whole post-baby body pressure is obviously one of the more boring aspects of motherhood. “New mother, So and So, unveils her shiny, rock-hard body just minutes after giving birth.” Except So and So isn’t “unveiling” anything. She’s just there, existing, more likely just trying to imagine ever sleeping again.
Putting “inspiring” pics of either relentlessly taut or squidgy, saggy mum bellies on social media has got to be one of the most ludicrous activities. “Empowering” post-baby bodies seems to be the biggest incident of stating the obvious since someone posted the status “Mum’s are amazing” on Facebook. Of course, we’re amazing. We’ve grown humans for god’s sake. We produce nourishing food with just our breasts. We can butter a slice of toast using just our elbows.
The Mum Pouch is also amazing. Apparently immune to targeted efforts of eradication (at least mine is) the Mum Pouch actually boasts a whole host of hidden uses.
10 Little Known Uses for the Mum Pouch:
1. Ledge for storing heavy toddlers
The child proudly sits astride my mum pouch. If he holds on around my neck, I can manage a completely hands-free hold thanks to the belly shelf.
2. Tension relieving stress ball for babies
The Child often uses the Pouch like a stress ball to vent his frustrations at the world. There’s plenty of flesh down there for many people to grab and knead at the end of a hard day. Anyone else have their Pouches routinely mauled? Or is this just me?
3. The Pouch provides an obstacle course of rolling hills for The Child’s tiny toy cars
This tickles but is also great fun.
4. Conceals the top of most pants
This is perhaps not the most useful function the Pouch performs. But if you are, say, using a length of twine for a belt then the Mum Pouch will oblige you by folding neatly over the waistband and effectively concealing this offending twine-belt. It’s a pretty specific set of circumstances, I know, but still useful that one time.
5. Creepy puppet
Draw a face on it and manipulate the folds to make a creepy puppet. Hours of fun, my Mum Pouch quotes Jaba the Hutt when in creepy puppet mode.
6. Crumb catcher
Forget a napkin, the Mum Pouch will provide all your lap-protecting needs just roll her out and slap her up on the table. Bring on the flaky pastry.
7. Repeller of unwanted attention
Ever find yourself on the receiving end of catcalls on the streets or the victim of a rogue flasher in the park? A quick flash of the Mum Pouch can be jarring and likely to deter most unwanted attention. Result.
8. Carry multiple items in your Mum Pouch
Us mums are always juggling so much both metaphorically and physically. Babies, rice cakes, phones, car keys, feelings. Mum Pouch to the rescue. Tuck objects between the tummy flaps, fold the upper flap down over the item and tuck into your jeans. Nature’s (other) pocket.
9. Wear mum jeans without a trace of irony
Finally!
10. Threaten people with real conviction
The phrase “belly’s gonna get you” has real meaning now.
Main image via Life.com
