10 Sexual Positions That Only People With Kids Will Know
Scientists from Carnegie Mellon University recently explored the difference between couples who have a moderate sex life to couples who copulate more frequently.
The study charged one group of 32 couples to maintain their normal sexual routine for a month while a second group of 32 couples were told to double the amount of sex they were having for the duration.
After a month, the couples were assessed and the results, while surprising, were heartening for any parents out there who may be going through a two-year dry spell.
The couples who doubled their rambunctiousness found that the increase in frequency resulted in a decrease in their desire for each other. They also said the loss of spontaneity had a negative effect on the romance in the relationship.
So the good news for time-poor parents is that, apparently, we're missing out on nothing.
When we do actually find the will for the physical act of love, it is markedly different from the sexy times of yesteryear. Post-baby the landscape of sexual congress is virtually unrecognisable.
10 sexual positions only parents will know:
1. The Gently Does It
As soon as couples find out they are expecting all sexual relations become as timid as the awkward and sensitive union between two 28-year-old virgins who met at a Minecraft convention. Parents-to-be understandably fear hurting the baby, though the baby is probably only about the size of a blueberry at this point.
2. The Bump Dodger
As pregnancy progresses, the bump starts to play a much bigger and more cumbersome role in the intercourse. One of nature's little jokes is that fact that once that bump hits max girth there's only one position that really works and for the person on the receiving end of this preggo lady love it can be akin to getting a basketball to the face. Repeatedly.
3.The Fast and the Furious AKA The Personal Best
Once the baby is out, the window of opportunity to romance one another dwindles considerably. This leads to the unfortunate phenomenon of the Personal Best. The qualities that one used to look for in a partner, endurance and longevity, are no longer desirable. Post-baby it is a race against the clock. The Man and I have the dubious distinction of holding a personal best of 2 minutes 15 seconds. This makes me sad.
4. The Over-the-Clothes
This position is an extension of the Personal Best as forgoing the removal of clothes before the act of coitus can drastically improve one's time. Take it from the 2.15-minute girl. The Over-the-Clothes is a position that in the beginning may make you nostalgic for your teenage years. Soon, however, you will realise that this is one chafey scuffle best left to the adolescents hiding from their parents, not parents hiding from their kids.
5. The Silent Scream
Once you are a parent, the act becomes as silent as it is swift. Whatever about romance, you must NOT wake the baby at all costs. There is no mood killer worse than a reminder of the consequences of sexual intercourse: an infant (in case you forgot).
6. The Wincer
Don't get back in the saddle too soon. It is NOT worth it.
7. The lactator
This position gives a whole new meaning to the term "water sports". A weird trait of postpartum sex is the fact that the boobs are kind of off limits. For many, any stimulation of this area results in a sticky deluge AND a total WASTE of precious breastmilk unless you employ a receptacle, a sight that will undoubtedly halt any and all sexual advances from your partner.
8. The Opportunists
This position may give friends of new parents cause for concern. I don't want to be a traitor to our race or anything but a word to the wise if you're having new parents around do NOT leave them unsupervised in a room of soft furnishings for more than 2.15 minutes. They are desperate and liable to renounce social convention in favour of a romantic interlude that is not punctuated by the sounds of a crying child. Keep a close eye on any suspicious behaviour.
9. The Race
This differs from the Fast and the Furious in that it is less of a team effort and more of an every man for himself kind of scenario. Basically it's a race to the finish and all mutual consideration is out the window. #SorryNotSorry
10. The Schedule
This position is common to the parents of multiple children who are already veterans of this list. Their bi-monthly sexual escapades may look a little something like this: