The first few weeks of parenthood are a magical time. If you consider refraining from actually murdering someone in a sleep-deprived rage-haze to actually count as magic, which we do.
If you are the type of person who thrives on scheduling than these first few weeks perhaps aren’t for you and you should probably try to outsource them until the baby is in some kind of routine, expect this to take 6 – 522 weeks. However if you’re the kind of person who dwells in a twilight zone of chaos and destruction already (basically if you’ve completed a tour of duty or have previously lived with a highly dependent and irrational individual – traits present in most newborns) then perhaps you will take to it like a duck to water. Whichever camp you happen to fall into here are…
10 thoughts likely to occur to any first-time parent in the first six weeks:
Day 1
“Oh my god he’s so beautiful, I can’t believe I made this…now what?” Good question and one we still don’t have the answer to.
Day 2
“So day 2 as a parent and I think I’m getting the hang of this.” Ha ha. HA.
Day 3
“When will I stop crying?” Possibly never. You may pause extended crying jags for brief periods to eat meals or to hold a conversation but essentially once you have a child you do kind of become a crier. It’s something about what a dark place the world is and how vulnerable they are. You may never watch Law & Order: Special Victims Unit again.
Day4
“When will that belly button thing fall off?” When you least expect it to, that’s when. But this is not the pertinent question here, what you should be asking is “Where did it go?” We never found it…
Day 5
“Oh my f*cking god I can’t do this?” At some point new parents may start hatching an escape plan. This is normal, and it is completely rational. Your life has just been hijacked by a tiny, cute, but essentially domineering and tyrannical mini human, of course you want to run away. Coincidence that so many of them look like Mussolini? I think not. I got as far as the toll bridge before I felt the umbilical tug, I’m told most don’t even get that far.
Week 2
“Everyone said the first two weeks would be the hardest.” They were lying. Other parents dangle timelines of returning to normality in front of the new parents like a carrot. This is largely to give you some semblance of hope that all this crazy will one day abate. And it will, the thing no one’s mentioning though is that while the crazy will eventually abate, it will also return. The crazy ebbs and flows like an ocean of mania so get ready to ride the choppy waters of parenthood.
Week 3
“If one more person tells me that sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture I’m going to punch them. You don’t NEED to tell me this. This is NOT news to me.” A lot of people will impart this little nugget of info like it is some amazing new insight. Don’t maim them or attack them verbally, they know not what they do.
Week 4
“I actually don’t really NEED any sleep.” That’s the no-sleep hysteria talking. After a few weeks of prolonged wakefulness many parents start to experience a sense of euphoria. You may begin to look upon those around you who profess to feeling “exhausted” as weaklings to be pitied. Then you get a few consecutive hours of sleep and remember all the things you loved about sleep.
Week 5
“I’d have another one tomorrow.” Around week 5 the baby may sleep for a few hours at a time, giving the impression that this whole baby thing is totally manageable. This thought usually only occurs to one half of any parenting partnership (most likely the one who’s had the most sleep cumulatively since the birth). If you are not the one thinking these thoughts then double the contraceptive measures as your partner is hormonal, broody and drunk on first-time parenthood. They are NOT to be trusted.
Week 6
“When will life ever be normal again?” Never. That’s the best part.
Click here to see how the other half think.
