Finding yourself in the proximity of perfect parents can be a real pain in the ass.
How can any of us measure up when faced with the dizzying heights of parenting perfection attained by our in-laws and other random strangers?
10 ways to ‘RUIN’ your baby according to in-laws and other expert parents:
1. Too much cuddling
There is a slightly bizarre school of thought in certain quarters that the aim of parenting is to get the babies to be fairly self-sufficient as fast as possible, preferably by six months at the latest. A lot of cuddling is seen as indulgent by some, apparently too much mollycoddling will encourage dependency in the infants. So yeah, pretty bizarre.
2. Too much breastfeeding
The questions, “Is he still feeding?” or phrases like “Mine fed for 20 minutes each side and then done” will eventually be the death of someone (though it won’t be me).
3. Not enough breastfeeding
“Are you not feeding him yourself?” Seriously you can’t win. How about back the f*ck off?
4. Too much carrying
“Spoiling him.” He’s four months old and virtually immobile; the carrying is kinda necessary.
5. Bottles at night
“You’re giving him bad habits.” No, I’m giving him whatever it takes to get everyone in the family the most sleep.
6. Co-sleeping
“You’re making a rod for your back.” No, I’m making a cosy, cuddly place for us to get the best rest we can.
7. Too many baby books
“In my day we didn’t have all these books and apps telling us what to do.” There’s a fair bit of suspicion towards the admittedly huge parenting canon. I’m not sure if their distrust stems from a logical concern that our parenting instinct might be stifled from this deluge of academic advice or if they’re just annoyed that we aren’t listening solely to them for instruction on how to bring up our children.
8. Not doing what cousin Liz/ Mairead down the road/ the woman at bridge club’s daughter did
“Lorraine from bridge’s daughter puts a few drops of Dozal in the bottle every night and her baby never wakes up.” Riiiiiiiiiiiight.
9. Not enough discipline
Sometimes we’re too tired to discipline. Also, if he wants to play “pick up cigarette butts in the playground and put them in the bin”, sometimes to avoid an argument that’s not the end of the world. At least he’s having fun and learning about not littering.
10. Too much disinfecting
Oddly contradictory to point 9, anyone ever find the elders strangely opposed to anti-bacterial wipes and disinfecting? “In my day the babies ate the dirt off the ground and it never did them any harm. Builds up their immunity. Babies are too coddled these days.” Hmmmmm, yes perhaps babies were a bit hardier back then, but how exactly is that a good thing?
