I have, over the course of 2015, used my job as a forum for bitching about my other half and I believe that this has in some way contributed to our continued resistance of divorcing…
From completely dodging parenting for a whole weekend to actually being capable of p*ssing me off when he’s not even in the room to half the time not even knowing what we’re fighting about, The Man has had some pretty special moments this year. With Christmas drawing nearer, it appears that either he is upping the ante on his provoking me or I have become even more of a cranky b*tch than ever before. It’s the latter, most likely.
8 times The Man was wrong about everything (Christmas Special):
1. Romantic “gesture”
Last year, The Man wrapped up my own engagement ring (that I have owned for nearly four year now)… and gave it back to me on Christmas Day apparently as some sort of grand gesture. This is a true story. I have no idea what he was thinking.
2. Ultimate Spoiler
Making a Murderer was my most hotly anticipated Netflix moment of 2015. I asked The Man to put on the first episode. He put on the ninth I didn’t notice until the end of the episode. I felt pretty damn murderous myself at that moment. This was worse than my dad telling me “Leo dies,” when Titanic came out. I have also never forgiven him that spoiler. I have a strong urge to go see Star Wars behind The Man’s back now.
3. “What’re WE getting MY mother for Christmas?”
Is this the most irritating question of all time? Notice it’s always asked on Christmas morning, such is his confidence that I have indeed organised it AGAIN. Similarly why does he only think to “check” on the turkey status come Christmas morning? The RAGE.
4. “But you said you didn’t want any presents this year?” *Adopts whiney voice*
THAT was a test, fool.
5. He fed The Child a breakfast of mince pies, brandy butter and Roses…
…And is now wondering why The Child is deliriously, hysterically hyper now.
6. He exited shortly after feeding The Child the crack breakfast
I was left trying to fend of The Child’s wild advances when he disappeared apparently to get me a present and unnervingly returned bearing a Tesco shopping bag some time later.
7. The “family” gift
Interesting how the family gift (a games console this year) is always a thinly veiled self-present isn’t it?
8. Asked me continuously where the wrapping paper/Sellotape/Christmas lights/ mince pies/ Roses/ his Christmas jumper/ scissors from the 20th to the 24th of December
He needs to know that I am not the keeper of all Christmas related items.
