Alternative A-Z guide to first-time parenthood: ‘K’ is for Kegels, Kindness and Kill Everyone

Our alternative A-Z guide to first-time parenthood continues with 'K':

'K' is for Kegels, Kinder Surprise, Kindness and Kill Everyone

Kegels "Put down that bagel and do another Kegel!" Kegels are the most boring aspect of pregnancy and not something that I ever felt any inclination to do. My lethargy when it came to Kegels returned to haunt me however when, during a conversational lock-down at a party a few months after having The Child, I actually weed myself. I had to hide in the hostess' bedroom and hairdryer myself dry. Do. Your. Kegels. A good way to make Kegels more fun is to do them in groups. Stick with me here... Gather a group of female friends and play a few rounds of Guess That Kegel – basically, you have to stare at your opponents, and they have to guess whether or not you are kegeling at that moment. It's more fun than it sounds. FYI perhaps not the best game to suggest in the waiting room at the doctor's office – strangers find it kind of weird when you Kegel while staring at them. Kinder Surprise Kinder Surprise is my favourite term for that four-glasses-of-wine baby (also known as the breastfeeding-is-not-an-effective-form-of-contraception baby) that came along just when you thought you were out of the nappies and night feeds stage of parenthood. The Kinder Surprise much like its confectionary counterpart is often the sweetest thing ever to happen. Enjoy! Kindness Becoming a parent feels quite a bit like being welcomed into the Brotherhood of Man, everyone from strangers in the street to the man who works in the hardware shop to your friend's mum wants to help with the new baby. The random acts of kindness are so incredibly touching that when coupled with rampant new-mother hormones they lead to a LOT of public crying. New babies seem to inspire this incredible feel-good factor in even the most seemingly unsentimental humans. My neighbour delivered us homemade soup and brown bread every week until the baby was three months old. Strangers in the supermarket want to carry stuff for you. One woman gave me a lift to the doctor's when I was a distressed new mother with a crying baby in tow. Kill Everyone Amid all beauty and magic of first-time parenthood, expect the thought "Kill Everyone" (or something similar to spring to mind occasionally...). These rage-bouts can be directed at virtually any innocent bystander from the UPC man who has the NERVE to ring the door bell during nap time, to the neighbour's dog who has the AUDACITY to do what all dogs do: bark. The rage-bouts are largely due to prolonged sleep-deprivation and those wacky hormones (that's our story anyway, and we're sticking to it), we cannot take responsibility for the angry things we said when we were tired...

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