When you’re a parent, even the time you spend in the bathroom is no longer your own,” says Mind Coach and time management expert, John Byrne. And, there’s no doubt that ‘me time’ can go right out the window when your perfectly organised schedule gets interrupted by an unforeseen toddler tantrum or tummy ache.
The dad-of-four believes that, while getting time to yourself can be tricky when you’re a parent, it is important for all kinds of reasons.
“Getting ‘me time’ as a parent, is far easier said than done,” admits John. “Young children are pretty much programmed to demand attention whenever they need it. You can plan a special evening to do something for yourself or with your partner, then someone gets sick and suddenly you’re stripping the beds and doing the laundry for the night.”
So when you’re trying to balance a hectic schedule and provide attention ‘on demand’, how do you squeeze in some precious me time? Here are John’s six top tips:
1 Don’t be an ‘Irish Mammy’
John believes that the phenomenon of the ‘Irish Mammy’ plays a major part in making women feel guilty about putting their needs first.
“For some women, it’s almost a badge of honour to put yourself to the back of the queue. If you take the traditional Irish mammy, she’ll serve up everyone’s dinner first and then give herself whatever is left. To do anything else would be considered selfish.”
While that scenario is a familiar one, John believes that if you fall into the ‘Irish Mammy’ trap, it can fuel frustration and send a negative message to children.
“Children learn from what they see around them. So, if you want your kids, especially your daughters, to grow up with confidence and self-esteem, you need to be the right kind of role model. That means, showing respect for yourself and not putting your own needs last. Avoid that subtle message that ‘mammy comes last’, because that’s what children will learn.”
2 When help is offered, take it
“My advice is to take all the help you can get from family or friends, especially if you have very young children. Sometimes parents believe they should be able to do everything and they put huge pressure on themselves. In reality, those expectations can fuel resentment and exhaustion.
“If there’s a friend or family member who offers help, take it. That gives you a chance to recharge your batteries, and it also teaches older children that it’s fine to ask for help. That’s a good life lesson.”
3 Remember your own sense of identity
“When you become a parent, it’s really important to retain your own identity. That applies to dads as well as mums,” John says. “There’s a safety message on airplanes about putting on your own oxygen mask first before looking after anyone else. The same thing applies in parenting. If you’re not looking after your own needs and your own identity, you won’t be the best role model or your best self for your children and family.
“Investing time in yourself, your interests and your development provides a great example to your children.”
4 Give yourself a break
Finding ‘me time’ means being organised, but John cautions against putting too many demands on yourself and setting unrealistic goals.
“A lot of stress and worry for parents comes from having unrealistic expectations and putting too much pressure on themselves.
“If someone walked into marriage with Mills & Boon expectations of what it should be like, they’d be disappointed. The same thing applies to parenting. People may feel they don’t measure up to the standards they set themselves – at home or at work. Often those standards aren’t realistic in the first place.
Don’t get too hung up on what the parenting books say you should be doing. Find what works for you and cut yourself some slack.”
5 Be flexible
“Routine is important for children,” says John. “But sometimes, when you’re managing family time, the structure can get a bit too rigid. A parent might feel that they can’t relax in the evenings until the homework is finished and they might have a rule about what time it gets done at. That’s fine most evenings, but bear in mind children sometimes need a break from routine. If, once in a while, the child needs a longer break before homework, that shouldn’t upset the parent’s schedule too much. It could actually provide a chance for the parent to do something for themselves for an extra hour.”
6 Figure out what really matters
When time is at a premium, it can be tempting to squeeze as much as you can onto that ‘to do’ list. But, according to John, that’s often a recipe for disappointment.
“You might have great expectations that you’ll be in the gym first thing every day, but that might not be feasible,” John says. “If you find you’re not getting to do everything you need to or want to, go through the ‘to do’ list and pick out what’s really important to you. Be realistic. Decide on your priorities and focus on those.”
John Byrne is a professional coach, based in Malahide, Co Dublin, where he lives with his wife and four daughters. After 17 years working in financial services, John has spent the last decade coaching people from all walks of life to pursue their goals, dreams and ambitions. His blog is Getbusyliving.ie.
