I don’t hold with the myth that women hate sex. Or I guess I don’t feel it applies to me remotely.
You’ll never find me pretending to have a headache or saying “Ugh, better have sex with The Man. He’s getting antsy.” Like he’s some high maintenance pet with pesky and inexplicable needs. Sex is brilliant in my book and definitely not a chore. I do, however, notice that as fun as it is, it has plummeted down the bottom of the priorities list ever since a bout of sexy time resulted in a small human who relies on us for his every need and whim.
8 Stages of Remembering to Have Sex When Your Super SUPER-Married:
Stage 1 – Remember that you have a vagina
Notice that there are tumbleweeds rolling through your vagina and that when you open your legs, there’s a sad creaking noise like that of a door long out of use. An old burned out car lies abandoned just beyond your clitoris and house prices in your crotch area have fallen dramatically in the last two years due to a depression in the area.
Stage 2 – Remember that you live with a real live penis
Sometimes this reminder comes as a jarring assault on your visual senses when the penis catches you off guard by dangling out of a particularly ragged and tattered pair of boxer shorts when you are just innocently going about your day. It may not be looking its best these days, but then the sad old vagina has seen better days too so you can hardly complain.
Stage 3 – Remember how to do your ‘come hither’ look
Feel somewhat deterred when The Man asks sympathetically if you’ve got wind (I’m pregnant so I do have wind kind of a LOT right now). The ‘come hither’ look clearly needs work, it’s obviously not what it once was.
Stage 4 – Remember a sexy dream you had last night
A recent sex dream centred almost totally around the gorgeous bathroom fixtures in the fancy hotel where the dream was taking place. I guess this says absolutely EVERYTHING about just how super SUPER married I am these days. Wake up and tell The Man excitedly all about the sexy dream and the gorgeous marble bathroom suite that featured heavily. The sexy bathroom suite isn’t having the same effect on The Man as it did me. Also, he seems distracted by the fact that the dream involved a man who wasn’t him…
Stage 5 – Remember that sex puts everyone in a better mood
Notice that everyone’s a little cranky and realise you haven’t had sex in quite a long time. It’s the great sex-drought of 2016. “But we’re so TIRED,” we mutually moan as we try vaguely to instigate very haphazard foreplay. The foreplay of the very tired or the super SUPER married more closely resembles a pair of eels lazily thrashing about than two amorous humans copulating.
Stage 6 – Remember what happens when you have sex (unprotected)
The thrashing eel-like foreplay is only a few minutes underway when The Child pipes up next door. This is deeply disconcerting. He couldn’t possibly know what we are up to but the words “Muma” or “Dada” have got to be the biggest boner-killers of all time.
Stage 7 – Remember that you can get this thing done in under 2.19 minutes
Look it’s not a proud boast, it’s just a fact. Kind of a sad fact but this is just what parent sex is sometimes. You’ve got to get efficient about it, or it may not happen at all.
Stage 8 – Remember (DRUM ROLL… ) to have sex…
DO IT!!! It’s free, it’s fun, it’s healthy. It’s what we were made to do.
