Our alternative A-Z guide to first-time parenthood continues with ‘I’.
‘I’ is for infant, immunization, irritable and ICK…
‘I’ is for… infant
You’ve got one of those now but it is still as much of a mystery as when it was 10,000 leagues under the sea inside your belly. You may start to notice that it was way more manageable back then also. Once they’re out all their bodily functions require far more hands-on action by you, the parent. No longer can you just eat 8 hot dogs and drink a pint of chocolate milk and consider the foetus fed for another two hours. No no, now there is sterilising, pumping, breasts and bottles thrown into the mix. The word infant essentially denotes something that is in its early stages of development which is indeed the case with human babies, but crucially I think something that the definition resoundingly ignores is the fact that the human baby actually emerges in a state of virtual PRE-development. I’m convinced of this: they come out too soon, the gestation period should actually be about 15 months. Sure giving birth to a six-month-old baby would be tough going but then they’d be smiling and winding themselves straight away.
‘I’ is for… injections
The heel prick test is like a dry run for the trauma of the first vaccinations, trauma for us that is… In the hospital the midwives often advise against the mother being present for the HPT as it is so distressing seeing your baby upset. I let The Man field that one and took the 15 minutes break from round the clock nursing to eat a walnut whip while staring out the window. I decided at that moment to let The Man deal with all future difficult moments. This way when The Child is getting those first painful injections he will look at The Man with that expression that says: “Why have you betrayed me father?” while I will be the heroic mother, who saves him from that sadistic bastard. RESULT.
‘I’ is for… ICK
There’s just a lot of ICK when it comes to parenthood. From that first tar-like black poo that you actually might cower from to the day when you get poo on your finger which in turn gets in your hair before you realise what’s happened. When fielding another albeit tiny, adorable person’s bodily functions expect the word ICK to pop into your head about 80 times a day. The most visceral ICK moment may come when after 8 days of infant constipation you are advised to probe the baby’s bum hole with a vaseline-lubricated cotton bud in a bid to “coax” the poo out. I recommend at least trying brown sugar dissolved in water before resorting to this ICK method. Just a thought.
‘I’ is for… irritable
Anyone who thinks that they wouldn’t be capable of murder have probably had more than 5 full nights sleep in two years. For the rest of us, however, sometimes murder just seems like a totally justifiable option when dealing with other people. Especially people who are TALKING ABOVE A WHISPER while the baby is SLEEPING. Irritable doesn’t even begin to cover the rage that prolonged sleep-deprivation induces.
