So I'm like about 10 minutes pregnant as I write this and I have a few things to get off my (feels like it's about to explode) chest.
Being secretly pregnant is the WORST. All day long you go around trying to hide the fact that the biological equivalent of Cirque du Soleil happening inside your uterus. It's like trying to act normal while under your clothes you are being assaulted by the pack of flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz.
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10 Hidden Struggles of The Very Mildly Pregnant:
1. Hungry nausea is a thing, and it's really REALLY annoying
Am I hungry? Or am I about to be sick? Who can tell? It kind of feels like both at once really. And if I'm going to eat, what is it that I want? One minute a bowl of cereal seems just right and the next minute it's the most disgusting thing ever conceived. I can't win. A few bites into anything and I invariably give up.
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2. The Sweating
Is this just me? I'm currently in some kind of microclimate, no matter what I'm wearing I feel like I'm in the bayou. I have a new found sympathy for menopausal women, no wonder my mother became such a crazy b*tch for a few years there (let's hope she's not reading this – she's still prone to the odd peri-menopausal outburst).
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3. The Lying
Every hen party, dinner party, book club and any other wine-soaked event becomes a minefield. I'm constantly forgetting what lie I told at the beginning of the evening to excuse the fact that I'm not drinking. I told one friend that I was on mega-painkillers for my back and another friend, they were for my wisdom tooth. Then typically the next time we met they both asked after my back and wisdom tooth at the same time and were, understandably, deeply suspish.
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4. The Exhaustion
By late afternoon, my body is so tired and sluggish, I feel like I am trudging through an ocean of custard while wearing a medieval suit of armour. But I look the exact same. At least, when you're visibly pregnant, you look like you should be super tired what with lugging around a whole other person inside you all the time. No one understands why you're so tired when your foetus is only the size of a raspberry.
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5. The Smells
Everything and everyone are repellent to me. I am actually going to lash out at the next person who stands too close to me, enveloping me in their fug of perfume and coffee breath.
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6. The RAGE
Basically, everyone (and I do mean everyone) needs to f*ck off right now. The early pregnancy mood swings are pretty outrageous – I verbally eviscerated The Man for humming last night.
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7. By 4 pm I Look about 6 Months Pregnant
This is weird and hard to hide. I have about nine pairs of extremely high-waisted jeans that are rapidly becoming instruments of torture. But everyone says stay out of maternity gear for as long as possible??? Also, and this is definitely not my imagine: My hips have doubled in width, no joke. Am considering throwing in the towel and getting the stretchy jeans but then weirdly I'm afraid that this is tempting fate. See next point.
8. The Constant Anxiety
What was that? Is that a bad cramp or a normal cramp? Whaaaaaa, it's exhausting having this low-level terror all the time. Is it possible to worry a baby out of you?
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9. Why Can't I Tell Anybody?
It's so lonely not telling people. When I'm sitting at working trying to decide if I want to vom or eat a bag of salt and vinegar crisps, I'd like to muse aloud about the situation.
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10. Seriously Why the F*ck Can't I Tell Anybody???
I'm telling someone; I don't care about the 12-week rule. If something bad happens, I'd still tell my closest friends what was going on surely?
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