So your partner is pregnant. Congratulations! You’re going to be a parent, but for the moment consider yourself a co-pilot, as your chief role throughout pregnancy and labour will be support - practical, physical, and mental.
You also need to be at your most understanding, as over the coming months your partner will be going through considerable physical and emotional upheaval. She will be particularly tired - and probably irritable - at the start and at the end of the pregnancy. At times sleep and rest may be a far more attractive option to her than socialising with you, having sex, or even having a conversation!
In addition, no matter how planned or wanted this pregnancy is, you are both likely to experience a variety of emotions, particularly if this is a first baby. Talk about any concerns you have about parenthood, finances, or the impact your new arrival will have on your relationship.
So how can you help? Firstly, learn about pregnancy so you understand what is going on for her. However, don’t become obsessed with facts and figures, or bombard her with advice and information (or criticism!)
Your job is also to observe. Her carer will only see her every few weeks. You will see her daily and it will be you who notices if her face/hands/legs are swelling a lot; if she is becoming extremely anxious or withdrawn; or if she is becoming unwell and needs medical attention.
As her due date gets closer, start preparing for labour and birth by going to antenatal classes with her if at all possible. Even if she hasn’t drawn up a birth plan, make sure you understand any particular wishes or requests she has. Remember you may need to be her voice, in particular if she is trying to avoid unnecessary interventions and wants to remain upright and mobile. And don’t forget to discuss what she wants to do if labour and birth does not go as she hopes.
How else can you prepare for the birth? Here are just some suggestions from midwives and other parents.
- Attend antenatal visits, especially if you have any concerns about her health.
- Learn some acupressure and massage techniques to help in labour.
- Ensure you can be contacted at all times.
- Get contact numbers for your partner’s carers/hospital/clinic.
- Have annual leave/paternity leave arranged for when the baby arrives
- Increase your share of household tasks (and childcare if you are not first-time parents).
- Find out what things your partner and your new baby will need during, and after, the birth, and know where to find them.
- Help your partner pack a bag if you are having your baby at a hospital or birthing unit, and have a bag ready for yourself with camera, snacks, drinks etc. (nobody is going to be feeding you!). Make sure you include straws, or a water bottle with an attached straw, so you can offer your partner sips of water in between contractions.
- Stock your home with food (prepare and freeze meals) and other essentials for after the birth.
- Offer your partner regular back and foot massages (to help with pain and ease any swelling)
- Rest – labour can be strenuous for dads too (but remember, not as strenuous!)
- Ensure you have the car fuelled up and serviced and money ready for parking meters if needed.
- Plan and time your route to the hospital/clinic. Find out where to park and where to check-in once you get to the hospital or clinic
- Ensure you can put the baby-seat in the car correctly.
- Have a group text/email list set up so you can circulate the good news easily.
- Organise a present for your partner - you are going to be amazed by what she does!
For more advice we’ve dedicated a section to partners in our ebook
From Bump to Birth.
Louise Ní Chríodáin has co-authored From Bump to Birth with Margaret Hanahoe, Assistant Director of Midwifery at the National Maternity Hospital. It’s a no-nonsense companion for pregnancy and labour, packed with essential tips and advice from midwives and mothers. You can find more of their tips and advice here.
