Search icon


06th Jan 2018

The 20 things one dad blogger learned as a parent last year are hilarious

We can empathise.

Gillian Fitzpatrick

Another year – another year of riding the wave of parenthood.

It’s fun; it’s unpredictable; it’s a rollercoaster.

And now one popular dad blogger, Sam Avery – aka The Learner Parent – has written down the 20 rather hilarious things that 2017 taught him in his capacity as a dad to toddler twin boys.

Also a stand-up comedian, Sam’s first book was released last October; if you don’t have your hands on a copy just yet, this a good taster…

1. I set my alarm for 8am every morning, just so I can chuckle when it goes off and I’ve already been awake for 3 f**cking hours.

2. I spend a lot of my time eating biscuits in doorways so the kids can’t see me.

3. In fact, sometimes I hide from my kids and they think we’re playing a game. But I’m just hiding.

4. I hope my son is teething otherwise he’s just a knobhead.

5. If your house was clean ALL the time you wouldn’t appreciate that half day every 6 weeks when it actually is.

6. I’d rather tackle a burglar with a banana than a soft play centre with a hangover.

7. If someone invented mini drones to fly dummies back into your child’s cot I would INVEST THE SHIT OUTTA THAT.

8. As a parent you need to appreciate the little breaks like going the toilet and blinking.

9. Because some mornings pan out like this:

– 7.01am: Enjoying lie in because kids aren’t awake yet.
– 7.06am: Worrying something terrible has happened because kids aren’t awake yet.

10. Spending the whole day inside the house feels like prison.

11. Although at least in prison they let you poo in peace.

12. The only people who benefit from the clocks going back in Autumn are the people who don’t need an extra hours sleep in the first place. Bastards.

13. Never promise a toddler something you can’t deliver. NEVER.

14. But the great thing about having toddlers in your house is that this whole North Korea / USA stand off seems pretty mild.

15. I would pay a nanny just to come and brush my kids’ teeth. The lack of cooperation and spontaneous dancing makes it so friggin difficult

16. Who decided that ‘taking candy from a baby’ was easy? I tried to retrieve a biscuit from my 2 year old and got a thick lip.

17. Only as a parent have I sat down on the toilet and thought, ‘Yep – I’ve earned this.’

18. That moment when your kids have left the room and you realise you’ve been watching Cbeebies on your own for 15 minutes.

19. You haven’t lived till you’ve heard your 2 year old twins threaten to put each other on the naughty step.

20. The moments make it all worthwhile. I asked my 2 year old what he wants to be when he grows up. ‘The moon’ he answered. Follow your dream, son