Being swept off your feet in a whirlwind romance is often the biggest red flag of all
Relationships start in many different ways. Some are slow burners — 0ur mothers tell us these are the keepers, and probably for good reason. Some are a little more immediate. That’s not always a negative thing, but relationship experts (and our mothers again) tell us to beware of love bombing; a common manipulation technique used, often by men with narcissist tendencies, to win their prize. The advice is, if something seems to good to be true, it often is.
Sex therapist and clinical psychologist Janet Brito describes love bombing as “when someone overwhelms you with loving words, actions, and behavior as a manipulation technique.” They go full throttle with the charm offensive in order to reach their goal. But the reality is, it’s not even really about you.
There’s a fine example of this going on in the current series of Love Island. Contestant Brad McClelland took an immediate shine to newbie islander Lucinda Strafford and instantly promised her the world. He even admitted himself, in what’s become a Love Island cliché, that he was ‘laying it on thick’.
Without making any real effort to get to know her, he immediately set about convincing her he was marriage material and told her that he’s never felt this way about anyone. Yeah OK, Romeo. Maybe try asking her where’s she’s from first? All Brad has ascertained thus far is that she looks like he wants his future wife to look, Nothing more.
I know, Shallow Person in Love Island Shocker! Hold the front pages…
So how do we recognise love bombing in a potential partner?
A major clue to look out for is the reaching of relationship milestones at speed. Does he want you to be his girlfriend after a week? Is he dropping L-bombs after a fortnight?
Another no-no is if a new partner acts like they’re your savior. They’ll fix things, solve problems and be at your beck and call, so you feel like you can’t be without them.
Lavish gifts are another one, according to Janet Brito: “Love bombing often involves over-the-top gestures, such as sending you inappropriate gifts to your job (dozens of bouquets instead of one, for example) or buying expensive plane tickets for a vacation, and not taking “no” for an answer. All of this can seem harmless enough, but the point is to manipulate you into thinking you owe them something.”
They may also try to convince you, from the get-go, that you’re soulmates, as Dr. Brito explains: “If what they say sounds right out of a film, take heed. ‘We were born to be together’, ‘it’s fate that we met’, ‘you understand me more than anyone’, ‘we’re soulmates’, etc.”
Love bombers are not a fan of boundries, according to Brito: “When you try to tell them to slow down, they’ll continue to try to manipulate you to get what they want. Someone who legitimately cares, on the other hand, will respect your wishes and back off. Love bombers also get upset about any boundaries with regard to access to you or you accepting their displays of ‘love’. It’s like a tsunami of affection and they expect you to accept it all.”
Lastly, Britto says that love bombers are needy. They’ll mask this by pretending they just can’t be without because you’re so amazing and, she warns, beware of them making you “feel indebted to them so that they can rely on you day and night.”
Avoid, avoid, avoid.
