Motherhood is joyful, difficult and complex.
Malin Andersson has opened up about her experience with post-natal depression only three months after giving birth to her daughter Xaya.
The former Love Island star welcomed her daughter on January 28th and revealed that she has since felt “disconnected”, “distant” and that she fell into a “dark hole” after the birth.
Opening up on Instagram, the 29 year old wrote: “Okay. So a bit of an honest post here, I haven’t really said too much as of late as I’ve been in a huge bubble with my family.. trying to grasp being a new mum.
“I’m not gonna lie to you all, I fully lost myself since being pregnant, and then post-birth I fell into an even darker hole. I would look in the mirror and I wouldn’t know who I was anymore.
“I think trauma is underestimated, and when you think you’ve healed.. the universe throws more shadow work for you to do. After Xaya was born I was not only getting over my c-section but I was also breastfeeding and then had to stop after it got too much and I had mastitis.
“I then instantly felt I didn’t connect with her like I thought because of it. I felt a slight detachment and an overwhelming sense of guilt.”
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Continuing on to reveal that she couldn’t even move to do the night feed, and was concerned as to why she wasn’t feeling a connection to her baby, she went on to discuss her depression.
She said: “I felt guilt that Jared had to do most of the nights at the start because I couldn’t even move my body. I was wondering why I had been given this beautiful baby, and why I wasn’t instantly connecting with her soul.
“I felt distant. I felt disconnected. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep.. everything I’ve ever wanted, a pure loving family in front of me which I couldn’t quite appreciate. An amazing man, a surreal daughter.
“Pre-natal depression, post-natal depression.. trauma.. whatever you want to call it can be fixed. Our minds are powerful. We are capable of doing anything we want, if we have the motivation to do so.”
She then added: “I saw myself losing sight of who I was even more as days went on, and I knew I had to do something about it.. take the reigns and take control of my life like I’ve done in the past. You see mental health is a serious thing, we think we’re ok, we’re healed.. then you fall back into a place you never thought you’d be in again.
“That’s normal. Healing like grief is NOT linear. It takes time. It takes bad things to happen to make you understand what needs to be fixed. I’m now finding myself again. MALIN.. not just a mum, or an ‘inspiration’ ‘celeb’ whatever labels there are of me.
“My spirituality, therapy, hobbies, health, fitness.. all of these which I know are important to what my soul craves are so important. Find YOU again, nobody else can do it for you.”