After some early bumps and crater-like potholes in my breastfeeding career, I really got into the swing of things (a little boob-humour for you there). So much so that weaning The Child was a pretty bittersweet time for me.
Not so much for him, I imagine, as he was discovering the delights of solid food (crisps) and the detachable boob (his beloved bottle). Reminiscing about nursing him always brings back memories of munching on yoghurt-covered rice cakes and listening to podcasts in the depths of the night while staring at the wisps of hair that curled over the perfect ears of my tiny boy. *Sigh.
Thinking of that time also throws up a montage of some pretty spectacular breastfeeding fails…
For instance…
1. The very first time I fed The Child, he sort of went into a little blissed-out, goofy, looking trance. He was milk-drunk basically. I had never seen anything like it so I actually kind of panicked and buzzed the midwife, who came over and said nonchalantly, “Oh yeah they do that.” “Do they???” I thought. It was the first time it really hit home for me what a precious, beautiful, mysterious little creature this was – somehow a part of me, yet infinitely unknowable at the same time.
2. When I snapped a pic of the adorable, blissed-out baby post feed and sent it to my entire family (in-laws included) failing to spot that my nipple was in the bottom right-hand corner of the photo.
3. The day that The Child popped off my boob unexpectedly and the milk hit my father-in-law on the trouser leg. Obviously not a great day for him but still, my range was amazing.
4. Later that day when I realised that breast milk can be used as a force for evil, as well as good and squirted The Man in the side of the head when he refused to go to the shops for biscuits with the words “you’re not pregnant anymore”.
5. The time that I woke up to find that the child (barely able to support his own head at this point) had latched on to the boob of his own accord and was happily munching away as I snoozed. I got a little fright and briefly wondered was this cool? For him to be helping himself, as it were? I was tired, so I figured I’d go with it (my approach to most parenting conundrums in the early days).
6. The first time I played ‘Peek-a-Boob’. During the early ‘cluster feed’ stage – sometimes affectionately referred to (by me anyway) as the ‘clusterf*ck’ stage, this happened frequently. The boobies were out more than they were in, so opening the front door with one or more boobs exposed became the norm. Reactions ranged from shock to awe, depending on who was on the receiving end of that nip.
7. The first time I perfected walking while breastfeeding, though in my case it was actually shopping while breastfeeding. Either way I felt like a lactating legend. I ran into a peripheral acquaintance of mine, natch, which was nearly awkward when he pulled back the sling for a look at the baba to find a snoozing baby with nipple lolling half out of his mouth. I diffused the situation the only way I know how… with a pun – I seem to recall the phrase “tit for tat” being used.
8. The night that I woke up to find that I was attempting to nurse my own arm in my sleep. Those early days of sleep deprivation led to a whole lot of cray cray.
9. The day The Child undid my top without my noticing. I was on the receiving end of what I thought were some admiring glances from a man at a neighbouring table; I was smiling back unaware that one of my sad, deflated boobs had unfurled from its bra cup and was flailing wildly.
10. The time I pretended to The Man that he had accidentally drunk my breast milk. Even after I told him it was a joke the damage was done, he hasn’t accepted a pre-milked tea from me since.
Got a breastfeeding flop you’d like to share? Tell us on Twitter @HerFamilydotie.
