What gems of advice do our mothers have for us, if we could only bring ourselves to listen to them? We asked six much-loved mothers and grandmothers for their hard-earned insights on parenting.
Here are their responses…
Teresa, 62, is the mother of four children and the grandmother of nine
“Be in the present. It’s the greatest gift you can give a child; when they know they have your full attention, they feel so loved. There is so much advice out there now, and so much of it seems to be about rigid routines and consistency, and I’m not sure I agree with that. Going with the flow and living in the now are essential in those early years, for everyone’s happiness.”
Mary, 72, is the mother of five and the grandmother of 13
“The other day one of my daughters, who has just had her first baby and is bamboozled by all the conflicting advice out there, asked me where the Michael Pollan of Parenting was. She was referring to the journalist who wrote Rules for Eating and cut through decades of conflicting advice about what we should be eating with a single mantra: Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants. I laughed and quoted my mother: Say it. Mean it. Do it. I think when it comes to childrearing that’s pretty good advice!”
Teresa, 68, mother of two, grandmother of six
“Be yourself. Time and time again I see mothers doing what other people tell them to do or expect them to do when they would be better served following their own instincts. It is almost impossible not to do this as a new mother – there is so much advice and everyone else seems to know best. But you have to be true to yourself, and when you are, your child senses it and responds as if by magic. When I was a new mother, I thought I had to be a disciplinarian. It wasn’t me, and it didn’t work. And then one day I got down to my son’s level and explained to him why he couldn’t do something and gave him a hug. He looked at me smiled, and hugged me straight back. I felt our bond, and I knew I didn’t have to try so hard anymore. You have to feel into your love for your child, and that’s really all that’s to it.”
Maeve, 51, mother of five
“Get on top of the rage early, because if you start screaming early on, you’ll scream for the rest of your life, and no matter how much you scream you’ll never be heard. Whenever I feel that well of frustration coming at me, I sit down, breathe and count to three. It always stops me in my tracks. Experts tell you to scream into cushions, but that only makes the anger worse. You are feeding it with words when you have to neutralise it with deep breaths. If you can get on top of this, then you know you can always be calm, and that will anchor your child like nothing else.”
Moira, 81, mother of five, grandmother of ten
“Listen. I didn’t listen to my children; I was too busy disciplining them. Then I had my grandchildren, and I listened. And I discovered who they were, and what they wanted, which wasn’t that different from what I wanted if I was prepared to be a bit more flexible. Now I believe children should have a voice too. We say no, and it’s heard, so why can’t they say no too?”
Karen, 47, mother of four
“Trust your child. If you believe your child is a good child, it will be a good child, but if you decide early on, when they surprise you with normal, oppositional behaviour, that they are a bad child then they will be a bad child. I see it all the time. The mother who berates her toddler too harshly for throwing a toy, and shakes her head and talks about how difficult he is (when he is no more difficult than another child, just a little more browbeaten and over directed) will find her son will grow up to be a difficult child. Labels are dangerous. While the mother who does not react when her son throws a toy and reminds him gently, to be gentle, because she trusts her son and tells him so, will raise a good child. I think it might be that simple.”
Nikki Walsh is a writer and editor with a passion for what makes us tick. She lives in Dublin with her husband, her son and a heap of books, mostly on psychology.
