It’s always been a sore subject, the snip (for men anyway), but compared to pregnancy and childbirth the procedure is well, child’s play – yet still men will try and wriggle out of having it done.
So I’ve devised a simple method – that doesn’t involve nagging or taking doors off hinges – that will catapult your man into such a state of confusion he’ll unwittingly walk into the nearest clinic and put his manhood under the knife.
Behold, The bamboozling method..
What you’ll need:
- A myriad of reasons why your man is refusing to have a vasectomy.
- Items from the local pharmacy and from around the house i.e. a dog with a sex addiction.
- Basic acting skills.
Ask a question. “Did you have a think about what we were talking about the other night?” (i.e. him having a vasectomy). Chances are he’ll have conveniently forgotten the conversation, but his lower brain won’t have and will spontaneously convulse at the mere memory of it. Then in a rare moment of sheer clarity he’ll spout verbatim the reasons he shouldn’t have the snip. And you can’t wait to hear them.
The Top 5
1 Serious risk of infection
Absolutely right, tell him, then offer a quick unreserved apology for being so thoughtless as to suggest that he put his life at risk for something so trivial as sex. As you’re doing this unpack your newly filled prescription for birth control and in your own quiet, and nonchalant way read aloud the contraindications list, pausing pointedly at certain risk factors, saying something like, “breast cancer, wow, didn’t know that, did you?” Of course, he didn’t. So you gather up your pills and head straight for the bin and with devastating killjoy you unceremoniously announce the return of the CONDOM. Aagh!!
2 A man is never the same man afterwards
By that he means he’ll be emasculated forever so try to show a little empathy here. Tell him it’s okay, you fully understand and would hate to destroy his inner Neanderthal which is why you married him in the first place. And as you wax on about how you’ve always liked a man to be a man, hand him his über-expensive moisturiser you bought while at the chemist collecting your birth control prescription, breaking gently the fact that unfortunately they still haven’t found a cure for man-flu yet, but that the kind lady in the chemist suggested a few sips of chamomile tea and a warm bath for him.
3. Would work out more expensive in the long run
Sure, how stupid of you to think otherwise and offer a loud a quick calculation just to prove him right – a few hundred euro vasectomy versus the cost of doctors trips, prescription refills, coil insertions, condoms etc. Hmm, something’s not quite adding up. He’s clearly lost the battle but not the war and delivers a swift counter attack, “Cost more to have the procedure reversed.” Very true, you say, knowing fine well he’d cut off his own proverbial’s quicker than have another screaming baby enter the house. “But maybe I’d like another child or two,” you say reminding him that fertile longevity runs in the family and that your Granny didn’t finish breeding until she well into her sixties.
4. It’s supposed to lower a man’s sex drive
Yeah, you sigh wistfully, knowing it would take full chemical castration for that to be any way likely. Okay, time to release the dog. Then crank up the pressure so the snip conversation really starts to grate, and he takes it out on the dog for trying to dry hump the child again – “Right, we’re getting that dog neutered!” he’ll snap. And then you’ll calmly remind him that the dog was neutered six years ago. Bam!
When you’re done, pick your bladder up off the floor and while doing some serious on-the-spot kegels – tell him to have another think about what you just talked about. But not to think too hard – you don’t want him bursting a blood vessel in his nether regions, do you?
Grace C Vaughan lives in Meath with her online husband, offline children and smelly menagerie of hairy things.