Naming the bump is an important undertaking and one that lots of people (mistakenly) look forward to when planning a pregnancy.
It seems like something fun to do as a couple trying out different adorable monikers until you become embroiled in all-out rows about the correct spelling of ‘Aisling’ or ‘accidentally’ finally admitting to having always hated your partner’s last name.
A Canadian Olympic athlete once outsourced the entire choosing of her bump’s name to the Internet (Twitter, specifically) which I thought seemed a bit mad until I recalled what a headache it had been naming my own bump. And how when it came to it I have no recollection of actually agreeing to the name that wound up on his hospital chart, I just resurfaced from the morphine haze and bam, he had a name.
8 BAD things that will happen when deciding on a baby name:
1. Bad connotations
So many names RUINED by a-holes: Adolf; Voldemort; Anna Wintour; Kanye; Kim; Khloe; Kourtney; Kendell; Kylie
2. The last name issue
Every time I bring the last name issue up in company I gather yet more horror stories. One acquaintance of mine knows a Jesus O’Riordan (Spanish mother). I had a school teacher called Willie Hare. The list goes on. With a last name like White, we had to rule out several options: Isla White being the most gutting as Isla was a favourite of mine.
3. Spite-naming
Spite-naming is when you (in the throws of pregnancy hormones) start to use the baby-naming to get back at people that may have pissed you off in the past. Example: Suggesting the name of a favourite ex-boyfriend to the other half or telling your mum that your thinking of naming the baby after your mother-in-law if it’s a girl.
4. Name-stealing
Everyone has their names, right? The names you secretly bagsed in your teens. Sure some of them may sound like stripper stage names (see point 8) but that is beside the point you’ve had you eye on these names forever until some bump-touting soon-to-be-ex-friend goes and steals one. Oh no, she didn’t.
5. The ridiculous suggestions
My mother was endlessly offering suggestions like Audrey for a boy or Hadley for a girl. Of her bizarre proposed names my personal fave was Aeneas – which manages to be most unfortunately, reminiscent of both ‘anus’ and ‘penis’ all at the same time. #Fail
6. The unfortunate meaning
This one caught us out frequently. When we were toying with Cerberus, we were disappointed to discover it meant “demon of the pit”. Only joking we were never really toying with Cerberus (see point 7). But the news that Alvah, a beautiful-sounding Hebrew name meant “evil” put us back to square one in our hunt.
7. The joke name
This is the name that you tell people to get them off your back and make them stop asking you what you’re going to call the baby. A warning, though: through repetition, the joke-name can start to sound weirdly good. Ah, Cerberus White… it’s kind of regal, isn’t it?
8. Stripper syndrome
Sometime in pregnancy you may perhaps consider some pretty questionable names. Names that resemble stripper stage names or one of the original cast of Gladiators. We briefly considered Wolf White for our child. I was pumped up on hormones at the time; I don’t know what The Man’s excuse is.
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