Naming a bump seems fun until you actually start trying to do it.
Suddenly everyone has an opinion, apparently not realising that their opinion does NOT matter (I’m talking about The Man here, obviously). It was a fraught time spent trying to name my own progeny.
10 important things to consider when naming a baby:
1. EVERYONE will F*CK with their name
This is Ireland, if the name is long it will be shortened to the first syllable with an ‘a’, ‘o’ or ‘ie’ added to the end. OR if you give a one syllable name (perhaps in a bid for no one to mess with the name) Irish people will then (quite bizarrely) ADD to the name, most likely with this sound: ‘zer’. Eg Joe will become Jozer or Ed is Edzer.
2. Practice what the name sounds like when shouted angrily
After you become a parent you develop a mum-voice. When I shout my son’s name in my mum-voice it sounds like a dog barking which is funny but not effective for discipline. Though I’m sure at this someone will be offering their thoughts on my shouting at my son as a means of discipline to which I will shout “EFFFF OFFFFF!”
3. Practice mocking your child
My mother’s name suggestion of ‘Aeneas’ came pretty close to the birth cert until The Man and I came up with a mocking rhyme that included the words ‘anus’ AND ‘penis’. If you can incorporate the child’s name into a rhyme involving penis, bum, fart… then forget it, it will not fly in the school yard.
4. Imagine your child taking up politics…
Does the name have the required gravitas? Will there be a Prime Minister Buddy Bear Oliver one day?
5. Imagine your child committing a crime…
Will people say things like, “sure what did they expect calling a child Super Hans?”
6. Don’t go with anything that could later invoke cruel irony…
Beaus and Belles have a fair bit to live up to there, don’t they? You wouldn’t want to be a short Magnus either…
7. Ignore people
People are b*stards, and they will try to ruin any name that you voice a preference for, it’s true, I’ve done it myself – it’s a strange compulsion.
8. Find out what the name means
One version of my son’s name is most unfortunately, slang for a type of drug… Not cool. Another favourite of ours, Alvah, a beautiful-sounding Hebrew name turned out to mean “evil”. Doh.
9. Stick to your guns
Even in the face of STRONG familial objections – be prepared for years of them passive aggressively getting the name wrong.
10. Remember you can always change it
It’s not something you hear about all that often, but several of the babies in my family started out life as little Margarets and Rosettas before landing on their ultimate moniker, meanwhile, I didn’t discover until I applied for our marriage license that The Man’s name was in fact NOT The Man’s name… dun dun DUUUUUUUN. Turns out his first name is actually Tom and in 10 years I never knew.
