Phrases that can ‘suck the joy out of Christmas’ for kids, according to family psychotherapist

Jody Coffey

While parents will want to keep some order in the house, at Christmas time rules and routines are more relaxed.

However, there are a number of parental phrases that may put a dampener on festivities for young people, that mums and dads may not even be aware of.

Fiona Yassin, founder and clinical director of The Wave Clinic, has provided a list of the phrases that can ‘suck the joy’ out of Christmas for youngsters.

‘Give Grandma A Kiss’

Christmas time is all about family and togetherness.

More than any other time of year, it may feel like the right time to force your child to hug and kiss relatives as a way of teaching them about love and kindness.

However, the family psychotherapist has warned against this as it could be a ‘potentially dangerous lesson’ about consent.

Yassin says it’s important for all family members to respect any reluctance a child or young person may have when it comes to physical contact with a relative.

“When a child is forced to hug, kiss or show affection, it takes away their agency and choice. Ultimately, it gives them the message that they are not in control of their own body, which can be dangerous for a child or young person to hear,” she explains

‘Santa will put you on the naughty list if you don’t behave’

While it may help with disruptive behaviour at the moment, feeling like you’re ‘naughty’ can be very anxiety-inducing for some kids, Yassin explains.

Santa Claus might land once a year but this notion of being ‘bad’ or ‘good’ can stay with child’s well after Christmas ends.

“Parents can be tempted to ward off bad behaviour with the threat of the naughty list. However, rewarding ‘good’ behaviour with presents and ‘bad’ behaviour with punishment can teach children and teenagers that they are less worthy when they are bad.”

“Consciously and unconsciously, young people believe they are good when they do good, or bad when they do bad things. To the young person this may feel like their truth unless the parent or caregiver is continually reminding them they are unconditionally loved,” Yassin warns/

‘I deserve another helping of…’

How parents talk about food in front of their children is important all year long.

However, Christmas time can uproot feelings of guilt or shame around food for some, which can be vocalised at the dinner table.

If possible, limit language that may be interpreted as people need to ‘earn the right to eat or earn the right to have pleasure,’ the family psychotherapist urges.

This can sound like ‘I deserve to eat this because I’ve been good all week’ or ‘I didn’t eat breakfast so I deserve a big dinner’.

“Assigning a moral value to food can trigger negative thoughts and behaviour patterns in young people. Similarly, you may hear people say, “I was so bad for eating xyz”. This combines what you eat with who you are as a person and implies there is shame in having eaten something.

“Using phrases like this at the Christmas dinner table promotes harmful eating mindsets and can cause young people, and others around you, to have unnecessary concerns about food,” Yassin adds.

‘If we buy you that present, we can’t afford to pay the bills‘

If, like many others, the cost-of-living crisis is going to change what Christmas looks like this year, it’s advised that children aren’t made aware of this fact.

It may seem like a good idea to inform your child so they can manage their expectations around gifts, but, according to Yassin, children don’t understand finances the way adults do.

“But the truth is, children (especially young children), don’t understand finances and neither should we expect them to. Positioning gift-giving in this way can cause young people to feel anxious and guilty.

“It can also be very confusing for a child if they’re told they can’t have something they’ve asked for because there’s no money to pay for it and then it appears under the tree on Christmas day.”

‘Now you’ve got the present you wanted, you have to be good’

This phrase can make the relationship between child and parent feel transactional.

It implies the gift being given comes with terms and conditions.

Yassin suggests parents ask themselves: ‘Is it really a gift if it’s not unconditional?’

‘Your mum/ dad didn’t get me a Christmas present’

It goes without saying that if there’s any conflict or animosity between parents, children shouldn’t be informed about it.

“If there’s already conflict in the family, it can be anxiety-inducing for children to hear or see that gifts have not been exchanged between parents. A young person may use this as evidence to reaffirm what they already believe is happening in the house.

“This is not about beating yourself up for what you’ve said to your child in the past, this is about recognising that some phrases do more harm than good and adjusting what you say will help to prevent your child from developing negative feelings including anxiety, guilt and shame,” she concludes.