Psychotherapist explains how parents can talk to kids about porn

Jody Coffey

In the digital age, it’s a very valid concern for parents.

Pornography is a topic that can make both parents and their children uncomfortable to discuss.

However, education around the subject is important, and when speaking to Newstalk Breakfast, psychotherapist and author Stella O’Malley says well-timed sentences are the best way to naturally bring the topic into discussion.

In the world we live in today, children of all ages have access to the Internet at the click of a finger, and it is easier than ever to stumble across this particular content, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

“It was something that usually people came across later in their teenage years. These days, because of high-speed WiFi in the pocket of an 11-year-old, they’re stumbling upon it much earlier, before they’re ready,” Stella explained.

She says preparing your child is key and asking them to proceed on the internet with caution, as ‘once you see an image, it can be hard to remove an image from your mind’.

Preparation can be made by sending a gentle warning about imagery and links, as well as reminding them to be careful around pressing the ‘click’ button.

“It feels like it’s not quite looking out for your kids not to tell them, ‘You could stumble upon porn; you mightn’t be looking for it, and it might come to you’.

Children nowadays are having a different experience of the internet, Stella explains, and while parents may have learned in the 90s to not follow images that pop up on-screen, kids today will ‘learn that on the ground at about 9, 10, 11.’

The dangers of stumbling across these sites online, the author says, are that a young child may perceive the acts portrayed as something negative, scary, or harmful if they hadn’t intended to see them or if they are too young to understand what is happening.

“The key point would be when you’re older, sex will be lovely. It’ll be a lovely, intimate, gorgeous act. However certain images, if you see them before you’re ready for them, it’ll give you the ick.

“It’s equivalent of an image when you see roadkill or a car crash, it sticks in your head so be careful about following a link that really isn’t for your eyes.”

When it comes to bringing it up, Stella recommends taking a gentle approach that packs a punch and educates them but doesn’t involve a huge sit-down discussion.

“For certain age groups, you might talk about the fact that the porn industry has really centred in on violence and sex—that’s not where the fun in sex lies. It might be just be a remark you say and you let it land… and you might leave it at that.

“It doesn’t have to be an extensive, ‘sit down and I’m going to talk to you about this.’ It can be just the odd well-timed sentence that packs a punch, where you say violence, choking, that’s not where fun sex is – it’s certainly not where teenage sex lies,” she recommends, “Then you leave it at that.”

Stella also suggests talking about the positives of sex—intimacy, being vulnerable, feelings, and falling in love—to highlight the reality and contrasts between any ‘degrading porn’ they may have come across online.