An alternate title for this piece could well have been something like Things I'm doing while I happen to be pregnant that definitely don't concern anyone else.
There are just so many RULES when you're pregnant. And as a pregnant person, it can often feel like everyone around you has deemed you somewhat incompetent when it comes to making decisions for yourself and your baby. I often suspect society as a whole would just be more comfortable if pregnant women were simply placed into an induced coma for the duration of gestation to safeguard the foetus from the apparent ignorance and recklessness of its mother.
5 Reasons Why Apparently I'm a Goddamn INFANT Since Becoming Pregnant:
1. I can't be trusted to feed myself
I have stood at a party happily about to indulge in a bit of eating when apropos of nothing a complete randomer has felt the urge to offer their opinion on my choice of food. I am a grown ass woman, if I have made the decision to eat soft cheese or whatever to f*ck just respect that I don't actually need to hear your thoughts on the subject.
2. I can't be trusted to drink a beverage
To wine or not to wine during pregnancy? This debate for some is a complete hardline issue and for others, it's a little grayer or indeed redder or whiter. The extent of the ill effects of alcohol on foetal development is not known – obviously carrying out studies of alcohol consumption on pregnant woman is dubious ethical territory. What is known is who's foetus this is. Yours. Not random man at a party or woman sitting beside you at dinner. So make your own mind up.
3. I can't be trusted to transport my body from place to place (seriously)
Complete strangers have felt compelled to lecture me about my decision to cycle a bike while pregnant. By the time the last incident occurred I had lost all will to be reasonable and screamed "This has nothing to do with you. This is not about you."
4. I can't be trusted to exercise sensibly
This is kind of an extension of point 3 but every time I go to the gym I can see the instructor having some kind of internal meltdown. Behind his desperate pleading eyes, I can hear the refrain: "Please don't let the preggers bitch be in my class; please don't let the preggers bitch be in my class." I get it. I'm a ticking time bomb about to erupt uterine fluid at any moment but come on I'm pregnant, not sick. While the rest of the class do squats, I'm charged with a series of highly demanding index finger curls. On second thought maybe I'm kinda warming to this aspect of the pregnant infant thing.
5. I can't be trusted to make decisions
Apparently, I can't be trusted to know what's best for me and my foetus. Full. Stop. What to wear, what to eat, where to bring my foetus (a concert is a no go?), how to bring it there. All decisions I am getting wrong according to people I have never met before. People about who's own lives I know nothing. For all I know, they are even worse people than me in other ways? Who appointed them the oracle on my unborn child? Ranty rant rant rant rant rant. I'll stop now.
The moral of the story? If we see a pregnant woman happily lumbering along living her life, can we as a people collectively agree to leave her the f*ck alone?
